'The Bachelorette' Recap: Masks and Idiots and Drunkards, Oh My!

By Diane Vadino

Special to MSN TV

And ... we're back! For a new season of "The Bachelorette." Ashley is familiar; her bangs, teeth, etc., are all brand new. We begin with a look at how this all came to be: Last season on "The Bachelor," "the best looking dentist" Brad has ever seen got mated and dated and kicked to the curb because perfect Emily was so perfect. (Except now, to Brad, and the fact that she seemed so incredibly boring.) "I didn't think I would actually fall in love," Ashley says. "I never let myself believe it." Never did we, and here is the video proof of how everything went so wrong between Brad and Ashley. It's hard to have any regrets about Brad and Ashley not working out, at least if you can recall their last, deathly-dull date. Or any of the post-show drama with Emily. Unless you're Ashley. "I loved [Brad] and I never told him," she interviews. (Only one of those two things is true.) "That is going to haunt me forever. Regret is the worst feeling that I've ever had."

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Does anyone understand why Ashley is next shown dancing on a stage? Anyway: This season, on "The Bachelorette," we have:

Photos: Take a look at this season's contenders | 'The Bachelorette': A Look Back

Ryan, 31: "I'm someone who genuinely wants something better for the world." Also he made a heart sign with his fingers, so okay. 

J.P., 34: "Twelve years of dating in New York...." Enough said! 

Ames, 31: "I went to Yale, which is in Connecticut." (Also: Columbia and Harvard. And 70 countries. And 39 marathons.) 

Ben the lawyer, 28: "On a scale of 1 to 10, regarding how romantic I am, I'd give myself a 15. A 215." 

Benjamin the winemaker, 28: "I'm ready to start another journey." 

Bentley, 28: "I would love the bachelorette to be Emily." 

Anthony, 28: "I'm a fourth-generation butcher from New Jersey." (Yay, Wyckoff!) 

West, 30: "I found her face down in the tub." (West, mayhap, is this year's Emily.) 

William, 30: "My relationship history is terrible. I was kind of [my ex-girlfriends'] stepping stone to happiness." 

When we return, Chris Harrison is here to welcome Ashley, and to interview her: What does she regret the most with Brad? "There's not a lot of time [to get to know someone on the show], and I spent it complaining," Ashley says. "My actions ultimately caused the death of our [fake] relationship." Well, we can agree to disagree about that. Enough about the past: Ashley's biggest concern about the present is that "some of the guys watched [last] season and they're like, 'Eh, it's Ashley.'" Unfortunately, this concern is entirely accurate: Specifically, we have Emily-preferring Bentley, whose ex-wife has a friend in common with Ashley -- and this complicated network of people has relayed to Ashley that Bentley is committing the gravest of all "Bachelorette" sins: He is here for the wrong reasons. 

Only here for the purest of causes, we have: Jon, 26; Lucas, 30 ("I'm a hugger -- I'm from Texas"); William, 30; Mickey, 31; Tim, 35; and Stephen, 27, who is a hairdresser and automatically notices Ashley's new color. Next up are Chris D., 25; Rob, 27; Matt, 28; and Jeff, 35. Jeff is wearing a mask. We all have a Jeff in our lives, right? "Very good quality of guys here," Ashley tells Chris, not referring to Jeff. Then we have Frank, 29, and Mike, 29: "It's the first time in my life I've been excited to see a dentist." "That's a good one!" Ashley agrees. In walk Chris M., 27; Ryan, 27; and Nick, 26, who brings a poem that is so terrible it's not worth copying down. Blake, next, is the dentist. Bentley arrives. Ashley is "mad" because he's good-looking. Really, Ashley? He's not! Finally, we have Constantine, 30, and then we all retreat for cocktails. 

A "Bachelorette" cocktail party is like a master class in ways guys try to one-up each other. Like, with a guitar: "All of a sudden, who rolls in with a guitar?" says a peeved Chris D. "I mean, come on, dude." The dude with the guitar throws it in the pool. Another stands to the side and shows off a series of messages to Ashley on giant posters. Jeff, masked, is everywhere. "Is this for real?" Tim says to Jeff, sounding exactly like basically anyone from an Ed Burns movie set in Long Island. "Maybe move somewhere else." For his next trick, Tim gets drunk and passes out. "I can identify with wasted opportunities," Ashley says -- no pun intended! -- shortly before rallying the guys to kick him out for her. "[Tim] needs to look for love somewhere else." Elsewhere, Bentley talks long enough to confirm his villain status: "Even though I'm not overly attracted to her, I'm competitive," he says. Hate him.

At long last, we have the rose ceremony, and flowers go to: masked Jeff (what?); Constantine; Ben F.; Lucas; Stephen; Matt; Nick; Chris D.; Ryan M.; Blake; Mickey; Ben C.; West; William; J.P.; Ames; and ... any of us who've seen the previews know she's chosen that tool Bentley instead of our adorable butcher. God, Ashley. This is feeling like the Ali and Justin and Frank season all over again.

On his way out, Anthony says: "I've been single for seven years. I don't know how to feel anymore. She may have a handful with some of the guys she picked tonight. But hey, if she wants to spend the rest of her life with Batman, what do I know?" Ashley, sigh. Didn't you ever see "Moonstruck"? You just threw out Nicolas Cage!

Previews: We're going to Hong Kong, Thailand, and Fiji. It looks amazing. I still don't think I'd trade places with Ashley, if it meant spending time with Bentley.

"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.