'American Idol' Recap: And the Winner Is ...

By Carla Patton

BuddyTV

Hundreds of performances later, it has all come down to this. Season 11 of "American Idol" will crown a winner after two hours of complete, star-studded nonsense. I have one question before we let 'er rip, though: Will Lee DeWyze be stewing angrily in the audience?

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A group number right away! This show is already delivering. We see all the eliminated contestants dressed in white performing "Runaway Baby" as though they were sent to "American Idol" purgatory after their elimination. This is a special kind of hell's waiting room, where your clothes turn white after you leave a competition and you have to listen only to Bruno Mars.
 

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After the first of many commercial breaks, Phillip Phillips performs "Have You Ever Seen the Rain" poorly with the lead singer of CCR. It's not his fault: His voice just doesn't go that high. As this weren't enough, Phillip introduces a second song, "Bad Moon Rising." We're just going to keep pushing this boy to his limit, humiliating him next to John Fogerty. Phillip sounds better on the second song. It's OK, Phillip. You don't have to pretend to care anymore. Not that you ever did!

Then, we are forced to remember terrible and embarrassing "Idol" audition moments. That was so long ago!

It was not so long ago that Joshua Ledet was eliminated. But now he's back, in a sparkly suit jacket, singing Elton John's fun "Take Me to the Pilot." He took it to church, but not before he brought out Fantasia Barrino in some weird kind of "Spider-Man 3" bodysuit and a mile-long weave. They both jumped and screamed, and I was very concerned for the structural integrity of that bodysuit. Fantasia and Joshua seemed done, but the song kept going. So, they kept screaming into their microphones until the producers had to cut to a commercial break. It was glorious.

Because the show is over two hours long, we have a segment entirely dedicated to how old man Jimmy Iovine could not remember Jennifer Lopez's name. He kept calling her Jessica. He did it so many times -- and I love Jimmy so much -- that I ended up laughing out loud. It was a wacky little thing.

And now, the ladies of the top 12, wearing sparkly "Real Housewives" dresses and singing a Chaka Khan medley! How is it that Jessica Sanchez just popped into the medley so late? Did she think she was exempt? Chaka Khan showed up, but just barely (and I do mean bare-ly! Look at our second bodysuit of the night!). I love Chaka Khan, but she seems maybe drunk. Either way, she's phoning it in. Love you, Chaka!


For the final Ford music video, they found a way to work around Phillip. They simply showed all of the least flattering shots of each of the top 12 from previous FMVs! And Ford has an unceremonious gift for the top 2's mentors: gifts to the "American Idol" finale! They got to see Chaka Khan live! And another surprise for the mentors (Phillip's brother-in-law and some other guy whose position I didn't catch): keys to their new Ford Escapes! Oh. And Phillip and Jessica, you get cars, too! Everyone gets a Ford Escape! Except Jennifer Lopez. She gets a Fiat.

Rihanna performs next, without any members of the top 12. She is a solo act and won't be brought down by the likes of, say, Shannon Magrane. She came in her own space triangle just for the event. Will someone please just tell me whether or not this performance was inspired by "Battlefield Earth"?

Skylar Laine is back to sing "Turn on the Radio." And if she's singing with Reba, I will lose it (in a good way). She is!! I'm freaking out. I am dead. Skylar totally kept up, too. She's got a career ahead of her, and I would love it all the more if that career were playing Reba's country-singing daughter in a new sitcom.

Nothing can follow that. So, we might as well see this jokey video clip about Steven Tyler's dressing room. Haha, the sloth!! They have the same hair. Also, the sloth looks like he is in ecstasy (or on it).

I need a commercial break to collect myself! But no, Jessica Sanchez is singing "I Will Always Love You." And Whitney Houston will obviously not come on stage, but maybe Jennifer Hudson will? No, it's not that kind of moment. Ahhh, it's just as good as I remember it! You go, girl.

No break for us. We power on through to a performance from the top 12 guys singing a medley. Neil Diamond is always good for an appearance. He probably paid Nigel Lythgoe $25 to appear in the finale. Aww, that's mean to Neil Diamond. Why would I say that? One thing is clear in this medley: Heejun Han does not care.

And another thing: Joshua Ledet is still scream-singing from that last song with Fantasia. No one has the power to resist "Sweet Caroline," though!

I'm glad they had a little clip about Randy always saying the same things, and I really enjoyed the literal singing of the phone book bit, in spite of myself. It even made fun of Joshua taking it to church!

Now Jennifer Lopez gets two song performances as part of her contract -- and two outfits made from the same cheap sequin fabric.

Speaking of cheap sequins, Lauren Alaina is in the house! So are Taylor Hicks, and Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo, our "American Idol" couple! Diana DeGarmo is adorable. I saw her in "9 to 5" on Broadway, and she was amazing. Ace said he thought this would be the right time to ask a "simple question." Diana looked excited, then skeptical. But this is no Ryan Seacrest fake out! There was a little product placement in the proposal, but I don't mind that! I love televised proposals, and I love that they had Kieran dim the lights for it! Diana DeGarmo and Ace Young are engaged now! Did Ace just congratulate himself?

After that, Hollie Cavanagh performs "You'll Never Walk Alone" with Jordin Sparks. If I had to declare a winner of this duet, I think I'd pick Hollie, though she's a bit greener.

Did you like that, Phillip? Are you enjoying your finale? I hope he's feeling OK.

In a tribute to Robin Gibb, the top 12 guys (again, minus Jermaine and Phillip) sing a Bee Gees medley. I think this will be best for DeAndre. Against expectation, it's a relatively good moment for Colton, and everyone else sounds dreadful on it. They sound particularly terrible when they're all singing together.

Another superstar duet, one that I have dreamed of since the top 24: Jessica Sanchez and Jennifer Holliday singing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going." Why is Jessica always late to the stage? Are long drape-y dresses that hard to change in and out of? Oh, and Jennifer Holliday? Girl's still got it. Unlike a lot of the other celebrity guests on this night, she is putting in some major effort. I hope Jessica Sanchez knows what an awesome moment this is. She can always look back on the time Jennifer Holliday wiped the floor with her.

At long last, Aerosmith agrees to perform on "American Idol." Maybe just to fill the slot that Phillip Phillips couldn't due to illness. Liv, your old man's still got it. And Steven wore one of his nicest chiffon robes.

Phillip finally emerged back on stage, wearing a cute cool-guy tux -- no tux shirt, just a T-shirt and a vest. Kind of funky, but whatever. And Jessica looks great in burgundy. They sing "Up Where We Belong," which is actually a perfect duet for them if there ever was one. Phillip is just barely singing, and I hope his kidneys (kidneys? mysterious illness center) don't explode when he wins. They just need to turn his microphone up -- or down. I don't know. There's just a great disparity in vocal range here, but not in heart!

The results are starting now! How exciting! Even though I've never been less unsure of who will win, I'm still happy we've gotten here. Phillip looks good in a V-neck. Jessica's hair is majestic. The finalists have never looked better!

Dim the lights. 

The winner of "American Idol" Season 11 is ...

Phillip Phillips!

Phillip Phillips Sr. hugs his wife. Everyone hugs Phillip, led by Heejun. And Scotty McCreery hands Phillip the god-awful, meaningless microphone trophy. Phillips sings his song and seems relatively unfazed. Maybe he's just in shock ...

He sings "Home" under a cascade of pyrotechnics. I hope to hear it on the radio, because I like the song. I hope to hear a lot of this season's contestants on the radio soon. Phillip is overwhelmed and actually shows some emotion! It's completely endearing! If you feel nothing you are dead inside. Phillip breaks into tears, takes off his guitar, tries not to swallow the confetti and goes to hug his family. I can't help but love it!

Goodbye for now, everyone! I hope you had a good Season 11. I thought it was OK.

What do you think of Wednesday night's results? Did America get it right?