'The Bachelor': Sean tells some

It's Tuesday night, but ABC isn't going to let us get on with our week, rose-free: We're back for a very special edition of "Sean Tells All." First of all, our bachelor is looking comparatively fit and trim. (He's blamed the weight gain on the show on hotel food and not being able to work out. Though we sort of like him better a little bigger?) Chris Harrison is here to guide us through the evening's proceedings: "All of America [sic] has been watching our bachelor, Sean Lowe, on his journey to love," he tells us. At least we've watched him on his journey to next week's fantasy suites: "I had no idea I would develop such strong feelings for three different women," Sean says. 

He means AshLee, Lindsay, and Catherine, but Chris isn't done talking about Desiree, who he described today in the media as quite possibly "the love of Sean's life." Picking up that theme here, he says: "We all watched stunned and shocked as you sent Desiree home." Apparently, Sean asked himself whether he could see himself with each woman: "With Catherine, it was a resounding yes," he says. "And with Des, it was an 'I think so.'" Chris lays this at the feet of Desiree's brother, Nate: "The brother really questioned everything that's sacred to you -- your integrity, your honesty," he said. 

"At first, I thought maybe he's joking," Sean says. "Attacking my character is the quickest way to get me heated." Chris shows us previously unseen footage of the two guys actually getting along -- apparently they had an earlier conversation where everything went swimmingly and ended with Nate saying, "You seem like a nice dude!" Chris asks Sean what he attributes the change in attitude to: "Ultimately I just chalked it up to him being a jackass," Sean says, admitting that Nate was a primary reason behind Des's ouster, which is going to make holidays awesome around her house. "I would like to say no, but I'd be lying to myself if I didn't say her brother didn't influence me," Sean says. That's pretty lame, Sean. He says something about how "there were other areas where my relationship with Des was lacking compared to the relationships with the other three women," but it's hard not to pin most of this on Sean being all worked up about Nate. 

Next we move to Sarah. Sean says he didn't care that she was born with only one arm -- the problem, instead, was a kiss that ended a conversation and "I just knew this wasn't the woman I was going to marry," Sean says. "Someone's going to love her for the rest of her life, and it's just going to click." Chris floats the idea that being on the show will end up being a massive boon in Sarah's life: "Women learn a lot about themselves [on the show] and leave to meet the loves of their lives." Sean's all, yeah, yeah, it's not me, so whatevs. He's seems slightly more excited to discuss chaste but "affectionate" Selma and her refusal to kiss him: "It's just not in her culture to date 'out loud,'" says Chris, in what is really a nice turn of phrase. Sean says her decision to actually smooch him came too late to change his mind: "I fully appreciate the gesture, and I knew how huge that was for her to do on national TV," he says. "But I'd already come to the conclusion that she's probably not going to be my wife." (Translation, girls: Never kiss a dude because you feel like you need to, to keep him.) Sean reveals that after their one-on-one, he thought Selma might be the one. 

Another potential "the one": Lesley. We see a legitimately bizarre X-rated exchange about a brownie that is really the opposite of titillating, but this segment is actually a bit sad: Turns out that if Lesley had told Sean she loved him (which she wanted to do), he might have kept her around. (Translation: Speak your mind girls, even if you think you'll lose the dude.) Guess we'll see what Lesley thinks of that at "Women Tell All" -- but she certainly seemed to have a lot of the qualities Sean wants without some of the issues (like Catherine's "independence," which we're pretty sure is code for "moodiness") of the remaining women. "I think had she said 'I love you' it could have been a game changer," Sean says. "How fortunes might have changed," Chris agrees.

At last, we come to Tierra, but the reality is that everything that needs to be said about her has already been muttered. Sean: "She should not have come on the show. She's a woman who simply cannot get along with her peers." Chris walks Sean through the painful territory that was that week in Montana when he seemed to come close to just giving up and going home: "I just felt like every girl was focused on Tierra and not focusing on me," he says. We see footage of Tierra saying something ridiculous to Robyn about how "I am a Scorpio and my stinger will get out when i get pissed" but it's really no worse or better than a million other obnoxious things she's said -- the less we hear from her tonight, the better. At least Chris and Sean are in total agreement about this: "Now that you've been able to go back and see really what a cancer Tierra was..." Chris says. Strong language there, buddy. 

We wrap up with a humiliating look back at Ashley P. of the "50 Shades" gear and her repetitive discussion of her mom's sexual interest in Sean, which is all extremely awkward and drunken. ("Ashley P. -- she made a grand entrance but probably came on a little too strong," Sean says.) We see Catherine's "nerd notes" to him, which looks like some positive marketing in advance of her appearance on the final three. (They are pretty cute, and one involves the words: "P.S. your arms are hairless.") Also, she can fit inside a part of the tire that Sean has, if we understood this correctly, misidentified as the "wheel well." (It looks like it's actually a part of the tire.) Anyway, it's weird: "The girl is very flexible," Sean says. And then Chris alludes to the recent "Sean's a virgin" (paraphrasing, there) US Weekly cover, as it pertains to the upcoming fantasy suites: "There's a chance to be physical [in the suites]. What do you say [to viewers] to that?" Sean gets the evening's last words: "I say that it's none of your business." 

See you in Thailand on Monday, everybody.