'Modern Family': Shocking developments

Haley (Sarah Hyland) won't be making any more cameos via the Internet from college. Last night's episode, titled "Arrested," is probably her last as an coed -- thanks to her arrest and expulsion for underage drinking. It's the perfect way for the writers to put this character back where she belongs: causing trouble for her family that we can see in person.

Claire (Julie Bowen) phones Mitch (Jessie Tyler Ferguson) with the 3 a.m. news, enlisting him as Haley's lawyer and Cam as babysitter to Alex (Ariel Winter) and Luke (Nolan Gould). However, a hesitation in Mitch's voice suggests to the eavesdropping Cam that Claire is not entirely comfortable with Cam's parenting skills.

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Attempting to prove his sister-in-law wildly wrong, Cam whips up some soy bacon ("facon") for the kids. (He's on a health kick, he informs the camera, smiling.) So they won't spit it out, he tells them it's real bacon. However, Luke ends up spitting it out due to his severe allergy to soy. His body begins to enter anaphylaxis as Cam enters a different kind of shock.

On the road to jail, Claire checks in with Cam, who is in the hospital but tells her that the background noise she hears is a TV movie they're happily watching at home called “The Boy Who Can’t Breathe.” (Alex occupies herself with student doctors making the rounds until she passes out during a C-section.)

Claire then talks to Jay (Ed O'Neill), who wonders why she and Phil (Ty Burrell) didn't bring a real lawyer instead of one who defends pandas.

"You know, like Perry Mason," Jay says.

"So Perry Mason is a real lawyer and I'm not," Mitch replies.

Gloria (Sofia Vergera) asks Jay to accompany her stroller shopping. Jay replies that if she were married to a man who enjoyed stroller shopping, she wouldn’t be pregnant. Jay then denies Manny (Rico Rodriguez) a lift to a spoken-word festival.

Jay's ex-wife, DeDe (Shelley Long), returns. But Jay didn't tell her about Gloria's pregnancy because he didn't want to hear the humiliating lecture that we, naturally, get to see her give him: "You’re going to be a father again at your age. And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful, young wife, not a care in the world. This is fantastic."

DeDe is responding significantly better to Gloria than when she attempted to choke her in Season 1. It seems that seeing her in such a vulnerable state makes Gloria seem more human and less trophy. However, the party is short-lived for Jay. His two wives soon begin to bond -- mostly over what a bad father he is.

The gang arrives at the police station to discover that Haley has been charged not only with underage drinking, but also with resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. (At this point, Mitch notes that they probably should have called a real lawyer.)

The surveillance footage shows it really wasn't as bad as it sounds, however. Haley's resistance consisted entirely of escaping a party down a fire escape; the assault of falling accidentally on top of the officer. Haley's biggest mistake seems to be failing to recognize one of the disciplinary review board members as the love-starved nerd who sits near her in economics class.
 
The episode is considerably heavier on family warmth, and lighter on slapstick, than usual. In fact, Phil's only shining moment isn't a goofy one at all, but a serious tongue-lashing he gives Haley about how ungrateful she is for all the things she’s been provided, and how she needs to recognize and apologize for her mistakes.

Haley follows that advice a little too closely with the review board, volunteering that she may have also violated the school's policy against dating teaching assistants. Twice. At this point, it almost feels as though she's arguing against herself out of homesickness.

But, nah, it's just stupidity.