'Modern Family': Peace, love and misunderstanding

In last night's episode, titled "Mistery Date," Claire (Julie Bowen) is off to an academic competition with Alex (Ariel Winter) that she usually wins and Claire usually gloats about to the other mothers.

This gives Phil (Ty Burrell) two whole days to himself to wire the house to his iPad (or, as per usual, to try doing something). At Claire's urging, he also gets out of the house by using the a gym pass left him by Cam (Eric Stonestreet).

At the gym, Phil marvels at how easy it is to make friends. He and David (Matthew Broderick) hit it off right away.

"You were totally right about this gym," David tells Cam -- who also apparently gave him free passes -- over the phone afterward. "I just met the cutest guy."

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Manny (Rico Rodriguez) and Luke (Nolan Gould) tag along to Alex's competition, but the heart is the star of this weekend for Manny, not the brain. He's jittery about facing the start of dance season alone. Just as the words leave his mouth, he believes he is smiled at by a goddess in a blue gown. She's attending a bar mitzvah at the same hotel, they overhear. But which? There are three.

The first one is wrong, Manny says. "Not if you like prime rib, Bubby," Luke replies. The blue-gowned goddess isn't at the second one either. But Luke gets a taste of being the star of a chair dance and his accent becomes progressively more Borscht Belt.

Cam thinks he has the most awesome baby gift for Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofia Vergara). He's commissioned a mural of the family for their nursery, because why would they want a gift they go out of the way to list on their registry as something they want? ("They don't know what they want," Cam informs the camera.)

The problem is, Jay and Gloria need to be out of the house for four hours for the muralist to work. So Cam takes Gloria to lunch and Mitch (Jessie Tyler Ferguson) goes crib-shopping with Jay. At the store, Mitch notices something definitely off about his father. Jay hugs an in-store bunny, for instance, and speaks softly to a doctor in a sweater vest. He must be seeing a shrink. He’s obviously going through something and Mitch wants him to talk about it. (Jay asks if he wants to do it in the store because he saw a little princess table with a tea set on it.)

Phil has David over to watch their favorite football team play. (Phil's grunting of the cheer adds to David's confusion over the nature of the gathering.) David scopes the family pictures all over the walls and asks if Phil is married.

"Yeah but don’t worry," Phil responds. "We have the house to ourselves. They’re all out of town." Phil adds that his wife knows he needs a “boy’s night” every so often. Phil also adds that he's having company (Cam and Mitch.)

David secretly phones Cam, who tells him the marriage doesn't matter; to just have fun. And he adds that, mark his words, the mystery guests will mysteriously cancel. He then clicks over for call-waiting to talk to Phil, whom he cancels on.

Alex loses early in the competition. That never happens, but she was thrown off because of "wooh-ing" from her mother in the audience. Claire complains to the judges. Alex clearly must have misheard the question, she argues; the acoustics are terrible. Alex intercedes and this sets the stage for a back-and-forth that eerily resembles the drama currently unfolding between Ariel Winter and her real-life mom. (The 14-year-old actress is seeking legal emancipation.)

"You're mad because you can’t parade me around like some show pony," Alex exclaims.

"You can say a lot of things about me, but I am not someone who lives through her kids," Claire replies. "Do I like to see you succeed? Of course I do. But do I need that to make myself feel important? Absolutely not."

It's Alex who gives in to make the truce, because doing so apparently isn't in Claire's DNA. "I guess I needed somebody to blame for what happened today and there you were," Alex says. (Claire replies:"You know I’m in awe of you, right?")

The third bar mitzvah is like Goldilocks' porridge. Manny spots the blue-gowned goddess. Just as he approaches, however, a hand taps him on the shoulder. It's attached to a security guard. He and Luke have one minute until they're booted.

Manny tells the girl he’s been searching for her all day, perhaps all his life. It’s too late for them to have a special evening, but not too late for a memento of what might have been. He walks off and waits for her in the complimentary photo booth. She follows. (Yes!)

Romance also blossoms for Phil and the boyfriend he doesn't realize he almost has. Phil attempts to turn on the TV with the iPad and instead dims the lights and cues romantic music. David, his hands trembling from the awkward advances, spills the Margaritas Phil mixed on their shirts. This prompts Phil to suggest that they get shirtless and -- because the iPad has made the TV inoperable -- finish watching the game in his bedroom.

It is not until the full-mouthed kiss he receives goodnight -- after David explains that he is just coming off a bad breakup -- that Phil finally comprehends the series of misinterpreted sexual cues he has given off all night. Fortunately, instead of a hackneyed gay panic, Phil launches into a long, slow "Oh" while calmly ascending the stairway with his Margarita pitcher. (It says more in five seconds, in a funnier way, than any entire "Three's Company" episode.)

During the car ride home, Jay breaks down and explains to Mitch what's really bothering him: The new nursery is erasing his current office. This was the only room in the house where Jay could shut the door and read a book, where everything was his. And yes, that was a shrink at the store, but one he used as a counselor during his previous marriage, to whom he returns every now and then for a "tune-up."

Cam is losing his battle to detour Gloria from returning home. She desperately needs a nap. He suggests she do it outside. As Cam stalls for more time by trying to recite the names of the animals on his childhood farm, Gloria makes a break. Just then, the muralist signals completion.

The painting is hideous, objectively hideous. Unflattering images of Jay, Manny and Gloria waft upon a bed of heavenly clouds. Gloria loves it, however, because of all the maneuvering that went into getting it done. Jay loves it for a different reason: It makes it easier to give up his office.

The episode closes, "Hangover"-style, on the photos taken inside the booth shared by Manny and his dream date. As does Phil's storyline, this one also ends in a kiss -- from Luke, who enjoys rubbing his cousin's failures in his face.