By Vinnie Penn

Special to MSN TV

 

So now there is Dogen and Lemon, his aid.

 

But, the real newcomers are brokenhearted Sawyer, constantly on the verge of tears, and poor, misunderstood Ben, as opposed to the irredeemably -- irresistibly -- evil one. Where are the Sawyer and Ben we love?

 

Yet another parallel universe perhaps?

 

Video: See full episodes of 'Lost' | Also: Last Night on TV

 

Multiverse rhetoric and physics in general can only supply "Lost" with so many get out of jail free cards. Furthermore, as both of the universes introduced in last week's premiere continued to play out, one theory that emerged last week seemed confirmed: That Sayid ain't even Sayid.

 

Tortured by Dogen -- ironically getting a taste of his own real life medicine -- Sayid's been whimpering and sniveling for close to three episodes now, ever since being shot, which is an about-face from the tough-as-nails, unbreakable Sayid who's wowed us with his calm, calculated demeanor since the start of the series. Particularly pathetic is the Sayid who came back to life in the debut episode's final frame -- and that's probably because he's Jacob. Or the Smoke Monster's new vessel. Or both. Or maybe even John Locke with a li'l polar bear thrown in.

 

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With Ben borderline-sobbing throughout the entire premiere, Sawyer weeping for two episodes straight and the aforementioned Sayid's cracking, thank God (i.e. J.J. Abrams) for Kate. She was at her fighting best! (Evangeline Lilly can get that Emmy any time now, folks.) While her L.A.-based scenes with Claire were literally and figuratively all over the place, the fact that we know -- or on some other plane, rather -- she winds up with Claire's son Aaron, somehow keeps the criticisms/questions largely at bay. That's the thing with the cast and these first two episodes, too: There is a subtle sense that they are all in on something, even knowing each other in parallel universes where they haven't met yet. I half-expect them to wink at each other, as if the joke's on us. Which, of course, it is.

 

One constant from the episode (and all along) is Jack. His frustration is absolutely palpable, increasing ever so slightly from about ten minutes after washing ashore in '04. (Fox can take home his Emmy the same night as Lilly, if you ask me.)

 

Popping the pill Dogen wanted him to give to Sayid was a nice play -- the ultimate checkmate -- but was anyone surprised to learn it was poison? His face-offs have always gotten him answers, and Sayid being "claimed," while ambiguous to Jack Shepard, begat even another answer, this one to a question he didn't even have.

 

Which leads me to something I've been wanting to address for a while now: For those of you who believe the writers have never strayed from an ending concocted before even casting  the series or, at the very least, by the end of season one, to put it bluntly, you're nuts. Exhibit A? Claire emerging from the shrubbery like Ramb-ette in the episode's final frame, taking down two men with a rifle, thereby saving Jin. 

 

Case closed.

 

It's like Jack said to a wheelchair-bound Locke late in last week's premiere: "Nothing is irreversible."

By Bret Federigan

Special to MSN TV

 

"American Idol" opened a new chapter Tuesday night as fourth judge Ellen DeGeneres finally made her much anticipated debut during the Hollywood rounds. Formally introduced by host Ryan Seacrest, the funny woman took a moment to address the 181 contestants assembled in the Kodak Theater. Explaining her particular point of view as a judge, she declared, "I do know what it's like to stand on stage and please an entire roomful of people." It was a remark that seemed directed at the hopefuls as much as it was toward those viewers at home still skeptical about what her addition to TV's top-rated show might mean. On that very subject of pleasing a roomful of people, she continued, "That's a hard thing to do."

 

More: How will Ellen fare this season? | See what Simon says | Peep the contestants

 

Unfortunately, for viewers hoping to see tons of funny moments from Ellen at the judges' table, there just wasn't much to chew on. The always tense and serious Hollywood rounds usually don't provide a lot of opportunities for quick-wittedness and hilarity. And Tuesday night was no exception. It was a pretty business-like episode for "American Idol," with very little interaction shown on camera between Simon and Ellen. About the most interplay we saw between the two was a brief on-camera aside from the new judge to the Brit. Ellen muttered to Simon, "So this is it. I come on. You leave." The footage seemed almost obligatory, as did his chuckle.

As groups of eight performed for the judges (each individual audition performed acapella or with a self-played instrument) during the sudden-death round, producers didn't offer any truly drop-dead funny moments from Ellen (or from Simon, for that matter). About the most entertaining thing to come out of Ellen's mouth was when a barefoot female contestant performed before her. Ellen quipped, "You should put some shows on. It's filthy here. Hollywood is a disgusting town."

 

More: Will Ellen impress on "Idol"? | No "Idol" for Howard Stern

In all 95 contestants made the cut. They now move on to the group rounds where luck, as much as ability, determines the their fate. As for Ellen? Well, she didn't really disappoint, providing solid feedback and generally seeming supportive and fair. But she certainly didn't wow, either, in her debut performance. There'll be plenty of time for her to pick some on-camera fights with Simon. Just not now, it seems.

 

Let's go to the lists:

 

They're In

• Girl next door Katie Stevens delivered a velvety version of "For Once in My Life" to kick off the show. Simon was satisfied with the teenager, declaring, "You're quite good." And Randy called her a "great natural talent."
• Andrew Garcia rolled the dice with an unplugged, slowed-down version of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up."  With this crowd-pleaser, the young father not only demonstrated some ingenuity, but he also showed off a mature voice that's soulful and unpretentious. Kara considered the interpretation "genius." She noted that Paula would have been "yelling and screaming." Folks, know this: Andrew's the real deal.
• Janell Wheeler's going to be a hit with viewers. Not only is she pretty darned camera-ready, but her voice has got true sex appeal. It's rough and sensual all at the same time. Simon simply stated that her performance was "well done," while Ellen thought it was "amazing."
• If you'll recall, teenager Haeley Vaughn made her mark with the judges during the audition process with her cheery disposition, brassy voice and her unusual ambition: She wants to become the first black pop country star. Tell you what: I don't know if she'll accomplish that. But from what we saw from her tonight (in addition to her audition footage), this girl is ridiculously likeable. I'm rooting for her big time.
• Lilly Scott took to her acoustic guitar to sing "Lullaby of Broadway." The version was remarkably stylish and sophisticated. Her vocal delivery and inflection were reminiscent of a young (pre-bouffant) Amy Winehouse. Kara thought the performance was "refreshing" and "unique."
• Having recently heard by cell phone that his pregnant wife's water had just broken, Michael "Big Mike" Lynch took the stage clearly inspired. He declared, "I'm the next American Idol because my wife is in labor right now. Also, I'll pummel anyone who disagrees." Don't worry; he's a gentle giant. He threw down some spirited vocals with "Waiting for the World to Change," inciting a little call and response from the other hopefuls in the audience. It was a nice moment for a singer who's clearly well-regarded by his fellow contestants.
• Tim Urban had a bit of a shaky audition early on, but he's definitely gained some confidence since then. In fact, it wasn't very long into his version of a David Cook tune before Simon audibly whispered to Ellen, "He's got a nice voice."
• Remember Casey James? He was the rather boring (at the time), ponytailed singer who Kara and Posh convinced to take off his shirt during his auditions. Well, he kept his clothes on this time around. And he provided a much more impassioned and impressive performance to boot. Who knew he was such a blues singer?
• Didi Benami sang "Terrified," a song written by Kara herself. Didi's laidback vocals (though a little pitchy here and there) were a pleasant surprise. But the bigger shock? Kara's song didn't suck! Simon said, "I hate to admit it: I really like that song."
• It takes guts to attempt "Natural Woman" with only an acoustic guitar. Crystal Bowersox just has what it takes. Not only was her interpretation earnest, strong and solid, but she managed to get her fellow contestants to sing along as well.
• Also moving on was Mary Powers.

Down and Out

• Antonio "Skiiboski" Wheeler's smooth-talking couldn't keep him in the game this time. Although his rendition of "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" was full of gutsy attitude, the judges were looking for a little more humility and subtlety. Ellen sounded the death knell, uttering to Skiiboski, "You frighten to me. You were stalking us." Comparing him to a "leopard," she continued, "Don't frighten your audience. Sexy and scary; it's a fine line." With that, there wasn't much for Simon to add. He succinctly noted, "You're just not a very good singer."
• Poor Vanessa Wolfe sounded so nervous when she attempted "No Rain." She never seemed to settle her tone, as she warbled from phrase to phrase. Ellen praised her as being "unique," but that was about it.
• Also getting the ax were cancer survivor Justin Williams, beat-boxing Jay Stone, preseason darling Maddy Curtis, pants-splittin' Cornelius Edwards,  teenager Megan Wright  and Tony Soprano-esque Amedeo DiRocco.

Ones to Watch

• Keep a close eye on Andrew Garcia, Janell Wheeler and Lilly Scott.

What about you? What did you think of Tuesday nigh's episode?

 

Sound Off: "American Idol" message boards

 

Yesterday, I not only unveiled a sneak peek at Season 3 of VH1's emasculation orgy "Tool Academy," but promised you I'd divulge another couple of tawdry teasers sometime today.

Well, loyal TV Buzz readers (here's lookin' at you, Obama), call me Kenny Domino's, cause I hath delivered. (Actually it's not delivery, it's editorial DiGiorno.)

And while you already know that this go-round includes the superlative addition of an incredibly muscular female tool, Season 3 will also be introducing us to a weepy womanizer known as "Teary Tool," among other brain-boggling Neanderthals, as also evidence in the super-duper full-length trailer.

Enjoy, and make sure to tune in this Sunday night (better known to makers of gooey ensemble romantic comedies as "Valentine's Day") for a show that has single-handedly dated  "The Bachelor" into "Ozzie and Harriet" oblivion.

Ladies and gentlemen -- er, ladies, most likely: We witnessed history tonight, as Chris Harrison declared this episode of "The Bachelor" the first, ever, to end without a rose ceremony. If an episode of "The Bachelor" ends without a rose ceremony, does it make a sound? Oh, yes, it does, and that sound is the sound of Ali weeping, mewling, and just generally kvetching -- on the floor of a hallway in a hotel, perhaps, or strewn across Jake's lap like a crying Snuggie in a cocktail dress and heels. 

 

Video: See full episodes | Also: Last Night on TV

There are so many levels of BS here it's impossible know how or where to start counting them. Actually, let's start with Jake. Jake, the King Solomon of our story, apparently would have been content to cut the baby in half. Was Ali fishing? You bet. (We'll get to that.) But: Jake? Let's even say this: let's say he loves her. What good boyfriend -- fiance, husband, whatevs -- is like, "Hey, it's cool with me if you get fired"? Who doesn't say, "I understand, baby, we'll make it work"? Even if the contractual blah-blah-blah of "The Bachelor" experience doesn't allow for RSVPs: Jesus, just let the girl earn a paycheck. Let's just hope his position was more if-you-love-someone-don't-let-them-get-fired in the material edited out of the sequence. Edited, it seems to make him look like a selfish jerk. And that's assuming she's his number one. Assuming she's not -- and I'm still in the Vienna wins camp -- asking her to stay is in the neighborhood of terrible, on the border of reprehensible. 

There's plenty of blame to spread around, though. Ali? Go back to work. We've all seen ... er, a friend do this: The guy's wavering, so we force his choice. (I will admit here and only this one time to asking a guy on a "church date" in which we would tour upper Manhattan's loveliest churches: If he said yes, he liked me, I figured. This was a long time ago, note.) Unfortunately -- and Ali should have known this -- the guy is, in this case, literally obligated by contract to waver, which means he's seriously unlikely to incur whatever penalties that contract details to drop to his knee at this point and declare his love. Eh, she should have known better. Personally, if I had a one-in-four-chance at a million dollars, I would have stayed and quit my job. But a one-in-four-chance at a guy? Who probably already made his decision, and just can't share it for a few more episodes? Pass. And Ali's on the record (in her Cow Hollow date last week) as saying she loves her job. This was a no-brainer that for some un-freaking-godly reason occupied something close to 45 minutes of screen time.

We know, in any case, how this ended: Ali in the limo, on her way back to San Francisco, and Jake "devastated." (Yeah, he looked real devastated about the St. Lucia trip coming up.) Good for Ali, I say, for getting there in the end. Even if I did like what sure seemed like her goal (proposal of marriage) or her tactics (forcing an endgame. Or, for that matter, the grandmother's house tour.) 

There was, of course, plenty of bananas to go around, and I refer here to the psychological state rather than the fruit. Vienna's dad? I actually liked him for calling out the absurdity of the situation. If I'm ever on "The Bachelor," God willing -- because that would be the funniest thing I have ever done, ever -- my actual parents would be polite and guarded, like the parents here are, usually, but my imaginary parents would be, like, "Hell, no," and set up little barricades across the driveway. Because they would not be down with the harem aspects of the group dating situation, and they'd be, like, "What is wrong with all of you insane people?" Vienna's dad, I thought, got closest to expressing this sentiment. I've read other commentary of him as creepy. I get that, and I'm a bit baffled by the idea of raising a "princess" and the helplessness that implies, but I thought his heart was roughly in the right place. Tenley's dad, too -- though you know he must have been, like, "I wish my newly divorced and still obviously heartbroken daughter had decided to work with orphans in Malawi rather than this baloney." His actual acceptance of Jake's request for permission to ask Tenley to marry him: "I feel like I could give someone like you ..." There are actually three qualifications in that sentence. Four stars for Tenley's dad. Gia was going home this week as far as I can guess.  Is it just me, or do she and Jake basically always look like they're actually inhabiting different dimensions when they're in the same room? Or like she's a hologram or something? I just don't see those two going much farther. If Ali was safe, like Jake said she was, I'm betting it was at Gia's expense. 

Other small things: too much running, jumping, and leg wrapping, in my opinion, as Jake reunited with the women. Loved the alligator footage in setting up Vienna's hometown date. Nothing I saw tonight shook my position: I still think he's going home with Vienna. But I like Tenley more. She just seems so crazy and sad. There's something mean, I think, in the producers' decision to include her this time around, instead of giving her a chance to heal. 

Next week: The St. Lucia Tourism Board's fondest dream is realized.

"Tough Love" often makes for brutal viewing. "For the Love of Ray J" may actually be a general cultural nadir, and the "Real Chance of Love" franchise has always been unbelievable and hard to get through.

But the one recurring VH1 reality dating/love-advice series that has hit a bull's eye of deserved humiliation and unexpected poignancy season in and season out is the almighty "Tool Academy."

So it is with much pleasure (and some discomfort about the male gender's stunted maturation) that TV Buzz treats its readers to a couple of sneak peeks at Season 3, which is set to debut this Sunday (Valentine's Day of course) on the station formerly known as Video Hits One. And come back to TV Buzz tomorrow for the unveiling of two more tawdry, tear-filled clips.

Before Siskel and Ebert made giving a thumbs-up more than just a handy show of approval, Arthur Fonzarelli, better known as Fonzie, used the gesture as a display of hipster-cool nonchalance on "Happy Days."

Since those "Days" have ended, Henry Winkler, the man behind the "Heyyy," has been primarily remembered for acting in films such as "Scream" or directing better-left-unseen big-screen efforts like the Burt Reynolds kid-buddy comedy "Cop and a Half."

But the man formerly known as Fonz is primed for a comeback as Mark Feuerstein's estranged patriarch on USA's hit "Royal Pains." Not that he really ever left the small screen. Although when re-emerging in minor roles, Winkler has a tendency toward the offbeat (and when you think about it, Fonzie was a far cry from normal himself), so expect the unexpected when he joins the second season of "Pains." Here's a few fine examples of why.


"ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT"

As the Bluth family's loopy, prostitute-soliciting, common-sense lacking attorney Barry Zuckerkorn, Winkler managed to stand out as the consistently hilarious FOX sitcom's most dependably ridiculous supporting character. Not since Marcia Clark has there been such a stunningly ineffective TV lawyer.


"SIT DOWN, SHUT UP"

You may have blinked and missed it, but last spring, FOX debuted an animated series from "Arrested Development" mastermind Mitch Hurwitz based on an earlier Australian original. And as in "AD," Winkler was saddled with a rather unfortunately surnamed character, high school German teacher William Deutschbog, who's kind of like Woody Allen crossed with Gabe Kotter. Which actually sounds kind of awesome.


"THE SIMPSONS"
Only Matt Groenig and his crew would cast a "Simpsons" episode that simultaneously co-starred Henry Winkler and NRBQ. And actually have people watch it. Let alone pay tribute to it over a decade later. But such is the appeal of FOX's venerable animated sitcom, and like most of its special-guest vocal talent, Winkler defied type by portraying a gruff biker-gang leader named Ramrod. Which, when you think about it, maybe isn't that far a cry from a wise-cracking pasean who happens to ride a motorcycle to and from the malt shop. Naw, it was still pretty much a stretch.



"SOUTH PARK"

On an episode in which The Fonz and his notorious shark-jumping (by then an irritating viral-era inside pop-culture joke) were also lampooned, Winkler actually provided the grunting, maniacal voice of a mysterious arachnoid known simply as "Big Scary Monster." Which has also become a popular nickname for Jay Leno.


JUMPING THE SHARK ON "HAPPY DAYS"

Speaking of a certain over-referenced moment in minor TV history, it's worth bearing in mind that the actual water-ski shark-jump in question is sublimely inane. And given Winkler's testicle-warming short-shorts as he takes the Great White Leap, it's surprising the expression wasn't henceforth known as "suffocating the salami."

Move over Howard Stern. No, seriously, I barely have room to type here. OK, good. Now get ready to potentially be cast aside as the self-proclaimed King of All Media, even if you decide to replace Simon Cowell on "American Idol."

Jay-Z (aka Shawn Carter, aka Jigga, aka Hova) took another step toward more or less ruling the world, let alone running this town, by performing an elaborately produced intro to last night's Super Bowl with the Rutgers University orchestra. And after transforming "Run This Town" into a 21st-century fight song, Hova even hoisted the MVP trophy over his head, declaring himself SB XLIV's Most Valuable Playa before the game even kicked off.

Which, given Jay's reign over the album charts and singles radio rotation, his bravura World Series rendition of "Empire State of Mind" and even one of the past year's most elegantly manipulative commercials, pretty much seems an appropriate self-anointment.

And in light of recent breakthroughs in the accessibility of high-ranking political office to people of all color and creed, not to mention American government's a dubious history of electing career entertainers, don't be surprised if Marcy Projects' favorite soon eventually fulfills Eric B.'s storied hip-hop prophecy and one day arises as our nation's President.
 

Somehow, the phenomenon that is "Jersey Shore" has only become more culturally pervasive since it said, "Yo, I'll see ya lata kid" to its first-season MTV run. And now, things have officially reached epic proportions of absurd exposure (and yes, that takes into consideration the cast members' recent nudie-pic exploits).

Snooki, The Situation, JWOWW and the other IM-nicknamed 20-somethings are appearing on "The View" this month, which is bound to incite nauseating posturing from the kids themselves, and flabbergasted criticism from both Whoopi and Elisabeth. Apparently, deplorable reality stars are the only thing that can unite America's divided values.

However, JWOWW will have to live up to her name, and The Situation will have to create a pretty shocking one, if they want to stick in our cerbellums longer than these five classic "View" moments.


DANNY DEVITO'S INTOXICATING Q & A

Hey, if showing up to a morning chat show a little tipsy is the worst that can happen from spending the night with George Clooney, it's certainly better than partying with this guy.


ROSIE AND ELISABETH GO TO WAR OVER WAR

Ms. O'Donnell is way off base if she thinks people spun her "View" tangents as being the outbursts of "big, fat, lesbian loud Rosie." In reality, most of us stepped away from her and Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Iraq debate thinking, "Where did she get that blazer?"


ELISABETH GETS ATTACKED BY A CAN OF WHOOPI

Sarah Palin may have actually been a more divisive figure than George W. Bush during the 2008 Presidential campaign. And while Elisabeth is often unfairly bullied for her beliefs, on this particular episode she was one in a long line of stubbornly partisan Palin apologists. And Whoopi took care of that conversation in a "Jumpin' Jack" flash.


THE LADIES GET X-RATED

Ya gotta hand it to "The View." It can tackle some fairly risque subject matter for a show exclusively moderated and watched by middle-aged women. And while Whoopi, Sherri, Joy and Elisabeth were saved by the seven-second delay, their discussion on whether the "F Word" should be considered scandalous proved quite the potty-mouthed ear opener. Personally, I thought they were talking about Showtime's "The L Word" the entire time and didn't see what all the hullabaloo was about.



ROSIE TRIES TO TRUMP DONALD

The feud between brash, outspoken, independent businesswoman Rosie O'Donnell and brash, outspoken, independent businessman Donald Trump wasn't so much tied down to a singular moment, but spanned several unforgettable mudslinging potshots over many weeks. I'd say these two should just get a room, but it's doubtful they'd want one with a "View."