Yesterday, we did 31 pushups for each year that fake TV doctor Katherine Heigl has been alive on this planet, despite her well-documented cigarette-smoking habit. But today, we set our celebratory sights a tad more modestly.

Just to reiterate the guidelines before unveiling today's honoree, pre-requisites for eligibility are simple: You must be instantly familiar to more than several thousand people (not including your Facebook friends), have experienced a pronounced period of your stardom via the small-screen and be either genuinely awesome or a really easy target for needless mockery.

So without further reconciliation with neighboring Native Americans in honor of T-Giving, we'd like to wish an intellectually divine 65th to:


BEN STEIN

How does one transition from speechwriting for the maligned Richard Nixon to becoming the unexpected embodiment of geek-chic? Starting off your pop-culture career with a memorable bit part in iconic teen flick "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" ("Bueller, Bueller...") doesn't hurt. Nor does most of its audience having missed the whole Vietnam/Watergate/impeachment mess. More than any other TV nerd in the last quarter-century (sorry, Paul Pfeiffer) Stein and his deadpan combination of cerebral knowledge and bone-dry wit have come to represent the face of archetypal dorkism. And even more than Huey Lewis, made it hip to be square. He can also theoretically be argued as the man who gave Jimmy Kimmel, co-host of Comedy Central's semi-classic game show "Win Ben Stein's Money," his launching pad to future late-night success. But, like Stein's relationship with Nixon, we can forgive him for that.


HONORABLE MENTIONS: Promiscuous "Night Court" attorney John Laroquette (apologies to his oft-overlooked, eponymous sitcom), "Married With Children" vixen Christina Applegate and overgrown "Entourage" sneaker-addict Jerry Ferrara (aka the unfortunately dubbed Turtle)

By Kate Mulcrone

Special to MSN TV

 

We have crowned our champion! And it was a bit of a surprise for everyone. Donny Osmond outlasted every other man running to become the ninth celebrity to take home the mirror ball trophy on "Dancing With the Stars." Although he finished 13 points behind Mya on the judges' dance card, the audience votes made all the difference. Donny has been the consummate entertainer, and his charm and grace make him an ideal champion. Bravo!

 

Last Night on TV: Watch recaps | Photos: View the Season 9 gallery

 

Mya was the frontrunner for almost the entire competition, and she has nothing to be embarrassed about. She gave so many thrilling performances, and really spurred her fellow celebrities on by setting the bar so high.

 

Superfans: "Dancing With the Stars" fan site | Video: Watch "DWTS" clips and more 

 

The crowd seemed to be pulling for Kelly; they were chanting her name during her waltz. But, in the end, popular support alone couldn't close the gap between her score and Donny's. Kelly ended up finishing third. She came such a long way this season that it was hard to watch her go. Tom Bergeron broke character for a moment to tell Kelly how much he looked forward to seeing her dance.

 

In case you're just tuning in, here's how our three stars did in the final week of competition:

 

Kelly Osbourne

Her smoky-eyed tango brought the crowd to its feet and the judges to their knees! Kelly was confident, elegant and exceeded everyone's expectations with her first routine. Unfortunately, her timing was a little off in the "mega mix challenge," which had all three finalists performing the same choreography out on the floor. Kelly's freestyle routine somehow managed to encapsulate everything I love about her. She was spunky, her footwork was spot on and she looked like she was having the time of her life. Unfortunately, she took a spill.

 

For the finale Kelly reprised her Week 1 waltz, and the crowd went wild. The judges ranked her third, which added 26 points to her score.

 

Mya

Both her rock 'n' roll paso doble and her fantastic performance in the "mega mix challenge" earned her perfect 30s. Her "Hairspray"-inspired freestyle dance, on the other hand, just didn't come together. Mya and Dmitry seemed to be dancing next to each other rather than together. Still, Mya's overall effort was formidable, and she finished the night at the top of the leaderboard.

 

Mya and Dmitry danced their wild and crazy jive for the silver, and it was just as impressive the second time around.

 

Donny Osmond
His peppy, hippy cha-cha was just the sort of entertaining routine that got him this far in the competition, and he more than held his own in the "mega mix challenge." Len actually said that Donny could have been one of the professionals out on the floor! Donny scored a perfect 30 in the freestyle round with his larger-than-life, Broadway-style routine. He truly is the consummate entertainer!

 

Donny and Kim chose to give an encore performance of their fantastic Argentine tango, and the judges ranked them number one!

 

 

Sound off: "DWTS" message boards

 

 

As we veer close to celebrating the day that Pilgrims landed somewhere and did something, at least this week's TV Buzz Celebrity Birthday of the Day honorees have been far from turkeys. Yesterday, we said a happy "Hey, you're almost legally old enough to smoke cigarettes and kill Afghanis" to newly 17-year-old Miley Cyrus. And today's dedication goes to an equally A-list female superstar.

Just to reiterate the guidelines before unveiling today's honoree, pre-requisites for eligibility are simple: You must be instantly familiar to more than several thousand people (not including your Facebook friends), have experienced a pronounced period of your stardom via the small-screen and be either genuinely awesome or a really easy target for needless mockery.

So without further incantations of the Macarena, we'd like to wish a happy wrong-side-of-30 to:


KATHERINE HEIGL

Who knew that when mama Heigl (no relation to Mama Cass) squeezed out a bundle of gooey innocence on Nov. 24, 1978 that, three-plus-decades later, her precious infant would mature into a chain-smoking, self-congratulatory, holier-than-thou diva with a penchant for middling romantic comedies? But of course, Katherine the Grating first entered America's living rooms as crazy ol' Dr. Izzie on the spectacularly unwatchable medical drama, "Grey's Anatomy." (And we were all like, "Hey, how did you get in here lady? This is why we have the Slomin's Shield.") From there, she rocketed to instant big-screen stardom in "Knocked Up," followed by immediate lack of gratitude via lashing out about the film's sexist undertones (because, ya know, playing the millionth variation on a wedding-crazed fembot in "27 Dresses" made enormous strides for womankind). However, who can forget that Dr. Stevens initially entered our consciousness in 1994's classic, "Neurotic French giant protects overdevloped, overage daughter from unseemly opposite-sex advances tale," "My Father the Hero"? And lest you think her mildly tainted public persona (and nicotine-stained teeth) have prevented her from receiving primo scripts, then what is she doing in an upcoming comedy co-starring Tom Selleck and Martin Mull? Eh? Eh? Oh.


HONORABLE MENTIONS: Hollywood royalty Colin Hanks and Clinton-era, tawdry-news-broadcast semi-star Linda Tripp

By Kate Mulcrone

Special to MSN TV

 

Oh, what a season it's been. The first night of the "Dancing With the Stars" finale also had its ups and downs. Kelly opened the show with a beautiful tango only to fall down -- literally -- in the freestyle round. (She danced bravely on.) Donny seems to have recovered from last week's disastrous waltz and turned in an absolutely stunning performance in the freestyle round. Mya, our frontrunner, was only three points away from a perfect score.

 

Last Night on TV: Watch recaps | Photos: View the Season 9 gallery

 

The show also introduced its first-ever "mega mix challenge," which had all three finalists dancing the samba, the Viennese waltz and the jive at the same time. All three finalists turned in stellar performances, and the judges took far longer to deliberate than usual. In the end, Mya won the round. And she leads the scoreboard going into the finals.

 

Superfans: "Dancing With the Stars" fan site | Video: Watch "DWTS" clips and more 

 

It's finale week, so I'm sure you want all the dirty details. Here's what happened out on the floor:

 

Kelly Osbourne

Like many of Kelly's routines, her tango started out a little bumpy and ended up sizzling. She and Louis moved together better than they ever had before, and Kelly's footwork was fantastic. She also mastered the smoky-eyed tango stare that's so critical to a successful turn on the floor.

 

Unfortunately, Kelly's timing was a little off in the "mega mix challenge." She still did extremely well. Both Bruno and Carrie Ann praised her waltz. But someone had to come in third, and tonight it was Kelly.

 

Kelly's freestyle routine somehow managed to encapsulate everything I love about her. So what if she fell down? She was spunky, her footwork was spot on and she looked like she was having the time of her life. Of course, the fall did adversely affect her score.

 

Tango: 26/30

Mega mix: 26/30

Freestyle: 24/30

Total: 76/90

 

Mya

Her rock 'n' roll paso doble was full of personality. It was big and brash and impossible to dislike. Mya and Dmitry really outdid themselves with the choreography. The routine was one of the most difficult I've seen on this show to date. Lucky for them, the risk paid off: They got a perfect score.

 

Mya tore it up during the mega mix challenge. Her samba, especially, was absolutely electric. It really came as no surprise that she came in first.

 

Her "Hairspray"-inspired freestyle dance was full of energy (actually, it looked exhausting) and had some lifts that drew genuine gasps from the crowd. Somehow, though, the routine just didn't come together. Mya and Dmitry seemed to be dancing next to each other rather than together.

 

Paso doble: 30/30

Mega mix: 30/30

Freestyle: 27/30

Total: 87/90

 

Donny Osmond

Donny sure knows how to ham it up on the floor. Usually his cheesy facial expressions are accompanied by some truly awful bump and grind action, but not in this case. Donny's peppy, hippy cha-cha was just the sort of entertaining routine that got him this far in the competition.

 

Donny more than held his own in the "mega mix challenge." Len actually said that he could have been one of the professionals out on the floor! He took second place.

 

In the freestyle round, Donny and Kym risked Len's ire by opening with props -- a feather boa and a top hat. Of course, Donny also brought his A-game. Len called the routine a "showstopper," and he wasn't wrong. It was a larger than life Broadway-style dance that showed Donny at his absolute best and earned him a perfect 30.

 

Cha-cha: 27/30

Mega mix: 28/30

Freestyle: 30/30

Total: 85/90

 

 

The Scorecard

 

Who won the judges: Mya
Who won the audience: Donny Osmond

Who didn't cut it: Kelly Osbourne

 

Sound off: "DWTS" message boards

 

"Dancing With the Stars" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT and Tuesdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.

 

Last week, we launched an earth-shattering, or at least modestly traffic enhancing, new feature called TV Buzz Celebrity Birthday of the Day. And rounded out the second-to-last week of November with a hearty pat on the year-older back to original "Family Feud" host and glorified sexual deviant Richard Dawson.

Just to reiterate the guidelines before unveiling today's honoree (although this article's sub-headline makes it pretty transparent), pre-requisites for eligibility are simple: You must be instantly familiar to more than several thousand people (not including your Facebook friends), have experienced a pronounced period of your stardom via the small-screen and be either genuinely awesome or a really easy target for needless mockery.

So without further canoodling with fabulous-looking multi-millionaires, we'd like to wish a happy, Kip Winger-sized, "She's only 17" (bear that in mind, perverts) to:


MILEY CYRUS

It's been a tough transition from precocious adolescent to budding young woman for the artist occasionally known as Hannah Montana. The progeny of "Achy Breaky" dad Billy Ray Cyrus has endured scandals around racy photographs (both professionally and more privately captured); just recently was availed of legal charges for racially insensitive images of she and her friends (put down the digital cameras already famous people!); participated in an embarrassing performance alongside superiorly talented Sheryl Crow during VH1's "Divas" special; and, most recently and tragically, lost one of her tour-bus drivers during a horrible accident. But alas, she's not even old enough to vote but has more money than small-market sports teams, seems to have plenty of luck scoring one hunky Hollywood paramour after another and will probably have at least another three years of relative happiness before spiralling down the rabbit hole of lost childhood and crippling narcotics addiction. "Party In The U.S.A," indeed.


HONORABLE MENTIONS: Steve Harvey and "Hollywood Squares" humor-desecrator Bruce Vilanch

As a critic setting out to deconstruct a series like "Curb Your Enthusiasm," you can feel a bit in over your head. At the end of the day's programming, it's hard not to sense that Larry David possess an intelligence and talent that transcends whatever minor understanding you fancy having developed about the subtleties of his show. And at a certain point, it can be freeing to give yourself over to that notion, just suspend disbelief, assume the man knows what he's doing and enjoy the ride. It's like feeling confident that a driver's ed instructor possesses mysterious familiarity with that wacky double-pedal system in his instructional vehicle. Watching an epic comedic masterwork like the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Season 7 finale, I was most definitely riding shotgun in the Larry David comedy caravan.

And as for my debated assertion last week that the eruption of his slow-revealed "Seinfeld" arc may have adversely affected my experience with he and Jerry's legendary, surname-de-plumed sitcom, I have a confession to make: I may have, fittingly, been acting a bit neurotic about the whole thing.

Last night's season finale was remarkable. First and foremost, it somehow provided closure on the "Seinfeld" legacy (which, in truth, did always feel abbreviated by both Larry's Season 8 departure and an overly ambitious last episode that suffered from the very fevered anticipation this entire arc has vivisected with satirical spite). But simultaneously, it also restored purpose to "Curb" amidst an occasionally declining slate of storylines. It was as if, much like fictional Larry entertained the notion of reuniting Jerry and co. to become closer with Cheryl, real-life Larry only absorbed the burden of another sitcom so that he could eventually (in his own painstakingly gradual, pressure-free way) find closure on his relationship with "Seinfeld."

There was simply and endless bounty to take in, whether it was (spoiler alert!): Larry finally coming totally clean about his symbiosis with George; Jerry gleefully toying with Larry's delicate psyche by playing both curmudgeonly accomplice and childish devil's advocate; Jason Alexander sending up his reputation for off-camera snobbishness (taking the baton from Michael Richards' self-annihilation the previous week); it being very quickly reinforced for dissatisfied, season-long viewers that the faux-"Seinfeld" reunion was always b-plot to Larry and Cheryl finding their way back to one another; still being given nearly a third an episode's worth of actual, filmed "Seinfeld" narrative; or Larry ending his romance with Cheryl on a note that, like the classic sitcoms that always secretly inspired he and Jerry, was acidic and unsentimental.

And if this does prove to be the absolute, final word on these now forever-intertwined, unparalleled comedic franchises, we can theoretically quibble about not enough Susie, the absence of Leon, too much Mocha Joe or a suddenly MIA Marty Funkhauser. But they've all had their iconic "Curb" moments. For one rare near-hour of television, we finally got the real Larry David. Sort of. Maybe.

Galu's resident Christian grandma with abs-of-steel, Laura Morett, knew that the Foa Foa folks -- and her own teammate, Shambo -- were gunning for her. But when she was voted off during this week's tribal counsel, it still came as a bit of a shock. Especially when the tie between her and Natalie meant that the merged tribe had to do a second vote. "It was about to go to stones," she tells MSN, "and my Galu teammates were will to step up for me. That's what makes this game so amazing. There's the strategy and there's the drama, but I made some real friends in Samoa."




What have you been doing since you got home?

Eating and eating and eating. But you know, it's been a hard transition. You would think that when you get home you just want to be surrounded by your loved ones, but you really don't. You kind of isolate yourself. It took me a long time to process, like, 'What's wrong with me?' My husband would be like, 'Let's go to somebody's house.' And I would be like, 'I don't want to go.' You just want privacy. In a game like 'Survivor,' you build a shell around yourself, like 'I don't need anybody.' So it's hard to let go of that. It's weird to be around people who just want to love you and protect you again.

Do you think it was because it was such a shock the way it all went down?

To a certain degree, I'm sure. But it's hard to crack that shell, to come out of that survival mode.

On the show, you're portrayed as this rough-and-tumble take-charge type. And in real life, you're a 40-year-old Christian grandmother. Do you think you're really both?

It's funny, yes. I'm not what I'm perceived to be. I am like 5'3" and a mother and grandmother, but I'm tough. I ride a Harley. I have two teenage boys that I'm constantly wrestling with and kicking around. So I'm not a girlie girl, but I do like to dress up and look pretty. My husband always says that the two sides of me confuse people. They're taken aback when they see me jump off my Harley and walk up in my leather pants. But I am also a good Christian and I focus on giving. But on the show, it was tough being portrayed as the mean girl. Because that's not me. I care about people and I have a heart for people. I want to minister to them. So to be portrayed as Shambo said as the 'mean cheerleader,' I have to ask people -- tell me one time you saw me being mean? I never did anything mean to Shambo. So that's really tough, watching myself portrayed that way. Because that's not me.

Was it jealousy, perhaps? Shambo's the one with the military background, but you became the strongest female on Galu, the one in charge.

I think it did. When they said, 'Who's the strong girl? who's gonna hold the rope? who's going to run through the water?' And it was me they called on to do those things, while Shambo was standing right there. And I'm her age. I know that she wanted to be the strong girl. She wanted to be the leader, the one that was called on. That didn't happen. You would expect them to call on the Marine and not the grandma. But I was the strongest girl. That and the fact that I got along with all of my tribe really effected her. But I was away from all of my kids, and hanging out with my team reminded me of being around my kids. Especially with Monica and Kelly, so we instantly had a bond. It was like a mother-daughter thing. And I think that Shambo felt left out. She didn't like that.

She looked at you guys as an exclusive sorority or mean girls tribe.

Exactly. But she had her own thing going. I knew that she was firmly Foa Foa the second time Russell sent her back. That was it. And it didn't really surprise me that John flipped. I knew that he was coming after me. Brett and I had a really tight alliance that wasn't shown on the show, but Brett would tell me what was going on. I mean, he told me about when they were thinking about throwing the challenge. So this week, when John turned on me, I already knew he was gunning for me.

At this point, do you still see any kind of unity with the tribes, or is it every 'Survivor' for his or herself?

I still see purple and yellow, but Shambo's clearly yellow. I am amazing and I'm in awe at Dave, Monica and Brett -- they were willing to go to stones for me. They didn't just say it, they did it. They put down Natalie's name, even though the risk was there. They did it when my name was on the chopping block -- those are amazing people that would do that for somebody else. So I still see Galu staying strong. And I'm so grateful for those friends.

What do you think about Russell? He's still sort of playing puppet master.

He's just a creepy little man. You can't hide that -- you can't disguise creepy. I'm not a poor sport. But it's just funny to watch him play the game because you're just like, 'That little guy is just evil.' But it's frustrating to see it happen because I am really competitve and nobody likes to lose. But to see that, gosh darnit, he got me. He's definitely making the show interesting, that's for darn sure.

Do you think you could have taken the million dollar prize?

Yeah, yeah, I think I could have. But this week was the type of challenge that killed me. I'm pretty athletic, but I have pathetic am. I couldn't hit the side of a barn. And I just kept thinking, 'David and Goliath, it only took one stone! It only took one!' Brett actually would have given me the necklace had he won, I know that. He's such an honorable guy. But it was just my luck this week. If the Lord has another plan for me, so be it. My goal was to win a million dollars. But I absolutely do it again -- in a heartbeat. I still had so much game left. I could have stayed out there for another 50 days.

So what's the take-away from 'Survivor' for you?

I guess it kind of confirmed things for me. Being 40, I sort of feel like I'm right on the top of the hill and the other side is straight down. And I ask myself, 'Am I still fit, am I still strong?' To actually go through this experience and get through it with the attitude that, 'Wow, that wasn't actually that hard!' It kind of confirmed in my mind that I am strong, I can do it. And it confirmed in my mind that the Lord has a plan for. He keeps opening these amazing doors and I'm just going to keep walking through them. And I'll enjoy the ride.