Primetime stars like Zooey Deschanel, Paula Abdul, Bryan Cranston, Kathy Bates, Kaley Cuoco, Rachel Bilson, Madeleine Stowe, Taye Diggs, Hugh Laurie, Sela Ward, Lily Tomlin, Emily Proctor, Eliza Coupe and Florence Henderson are making their way to daytime the week of Oct 3. This weeks' daytime talkers also promise visits from Emilio Estevez and Martin Sheen, Morgan Freeman, Hugh Jackman, Julianne Moore, Gloria Estefan, Tim McGraw and the ladies from "Five," Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore and Alicia Keys; and performances from Scotty McCreery, Joe Jonas, Richard Marx and Rick Springfield. Plus, you can bet most shows will be calling in their experts to talk about the trial of Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray.

Bing: More about Zooey Deschanel

"Anderson"
Mon: Teen bullying -- no celebs scheduled
Tues: Paula Abdul, Morgan Freeman and ‘America’s Got Talent’ Winner                                
Wed: Lou Ferrigno; Michael Jackson's former bodyguard of three years, Mike Garcia; legal experts
Thurs: Tanya Williams, estranged wife of former NBA star Jayson Williams
Fri: Pet extravaganza -- no celebs scheduled

"Live! With Regis & Kelly"
Mon: Tim McGraw, Dana Delany
Tues: Hugh Jackman, Kaley Cuoco, Scotty McCreery
Wed: Sugar Ray Leonard
Thurs: Rachel Bilson
Fri: Emilio Estevez, Martin Sheen, Madeleine Stowe; guest co-host Carson Kressley

Bing: Watch clips and episodes of 'Ellen Show'

"The Ellen DeGeneres Show"
Mon: Hope Solo & Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Hugh Laurie, Cheryl Hines
Tues: Kellie Pickler, Joel McHale
Wed: Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries
Thurs: Zooey Deschanel, Ricki Lake & Derek Hough
Fri: Taye Diggs, Scotty McCreery

"The View"
Mon: Chris Cuomo
Tues: Sela Ward ("C.S.I."); Laura Dern ("Enlightened")
Wed: William Shatner; Mrs. Q ("Fed Up with Lunch: The School Lunch Project")
Thurs:  Jon & Mary Kaye Huntsman; Scott and Joan Bolzan ("My Life Deleted: A Memoir"); couple eliminated from "Dancing with the Stars"
Fri: Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore and Alicia Keys (Lifetime's "Five")

"The Rachael Ray Show"
Mon: the Cake Boss
Tues: Nick Lachey, Dolvett Quince
Wed: Tyra Banks, Rocco DiSpirito
Thurs: Mike Rowe
Fri: Soleil Moon Frye, Gloria Estefan, Rick Springfield

"The Talk"
Guest hosts this week: Carnie Wilson, Molly Shannon and Sheryl Underwood
Mon: Lily Tomlin ("NCIS"); Ellie Kemper ("The Office"
Tues: Andie MacDowell; Rocco Dispirito
Wed: Emily Proctor (“CSI: Miami”); Eliza Coupe ("Happy Endings")
Thurs: John Lithgow; Brandy
Fri: Florence Henderson; Richard Marx performs

"Today"
Mon: Tim McGraw, Kathy Bates, Andy Cohen; Scotty McCreery performs; Khloe Kardashian co-hosts from 10-11 a.m.
Tues: Ellen Degeneres, Julianne Moore, Scotty McCreery; Bruce Jenner co-hosts from 10-11 a.m.
Wed: Ina Garten, Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Sugar Ray Leonard; Joe Jonas and Richard Marx perform; Kris Jenner co-hosts from 10-11 a.m.
Thurs: Bryan Cranston, Bow to Wow ; Kourtney Kardashian co-hosts from 10-11 a.m.
Fri: Kim Kardashian, Emilio Estevez, The Harlem Globetrotters; Kim Kardashian co-hosts from 10-11 a.m.

"The Wendy Williams Show"
Mon: Cedric the Entertainer
Tues: Gloria Estefan, Ana Gasteyer
Wed: Dana Delany, the latest "Biggest Loser" castoff
Thurs: Brooke Shields, Mary Mary
Fri: Kendra Wilkinson, cast of "A-List: New York" 

With "All My Children" finished at ABC and "One Life to Live" wrapping things up this fall/winter, the soaps' new owner, Prospect Park, has revealed the name of its upcoming internet delivered network: THE Online Network (TOLN). It turns out the new net plans to go live in 2012 with more than just the two soaps on the schedule.

 

Bing: More Prospect Park news

 

"At its debut, TOLN will feature new episodes of the previously announced serial dramas 'All My Children' and 'One Life to Live,' as well as first-run entertainment and lifestyle shows," Prospect Park founders Rich Frank and Jeff Kwatinetz said in a statement. "Ultimately reality, scripted comedy and drama programming will be added to the TOLN slate. The network plans to launch in January 2012 with the goal of eventually providing viewers with a full programming selection of first-run, long form content on an anytime, anywhere basis."

Bing: Watch full episodes and clips of "One Life to Live"

TOLN's new home is at www.TOLN.com and www.theonlinenetwork​.com. There's no content there yet, but fans can sign up for the newsletter to stay informed and get updates on the new venture. TOLN also plans to hit hard with marketing and promotion for its programs, just like any TV channel would.

 

As previously reported, TOLN's "All My Children" has thus far landed Cameron Mathison (Ryan) and Lindsay Hartley (Cara), while Jacob Young (J.R.) and Debbie Morgan (Angie) have both moved to CBS shows.

In bigger news, star Susan Lucci recently revealed talks aren't over, in spite of buzz that she wouldn't sign. La Lucci told NPR she would "love to" come to an agreement with the new chiefs, adding, "We are trying, as we speak, to work that out. We are waiting on a response at the moment."

 

From "One Life to Live," Prospect Park has landed the show's current exec producer Frank Valentini, while naming him VP Serial Dramas at TOLN. Erika Slezak (Victoria), Ted King (Tomas), Michael Easton (John) and Kassie DePaiva (Blair) are also on board.

 

"One Life to Live" airs weekdays on ABC

 

 

 

Okay, so it all makes sense now. 

Nick Offerman did not get nominated for an Emmy last year, which is pretty much a crime (Amy Poehler had some choice words about it at the time).  Let's start the campaign for 2011 now, shall we? All we need to do is ask all the voters to watch last season's "Ron and Tammy Two" alongside tonight's classic "Ron and Tammys".

The shocking details of the previously glimpsed Tammy One kept piling up: she was the nurse that delivered Ron into the world, she was his Sunday school teacher, his math teacher, and taught him sex and driver's ed. It only takes one week for this ice queen to transform Ron into a wimpy, emasculated - and most horrifically clean-shaven - shadow of his former self. Offerman obviously enjoyed the heck out of playing Ron's evil twin, complete with brightly striped shirts and a joint checking account ("When she explains it, it makes total sense."). And who comes to the rescue? Do you even have to ask? Due to the Swanson family moonshine, whose only legal use is to strip varnish off of boats, Amy Poehler is thankfully allowed to do another hilarious drunk scene ("Not even close. Marvin Clones. Glenn Close. Go to bed Jimmy.") Even more thankfully, Ron sees the error of his ways.

If this had only been a half-hour of nothing but the Ron and Tammy show, it still would have been a exemplary episode, but the subplots were highly amusing as well. Ben got to once again be the only grown-up in the room, this time by helping Tom and Jean-Ralphio get a grip on Entertainment 720. His most important advice: they can't keep printing their own money with their faces on it. Meanwhile, Ann films a new diabetes PSA with Pawnee's own Wilfred Brimley, Chris Treiger.  Naturally, his enthusiasm results in an entire day of filming and drives Ann to brutal self-examination about why she ever went out with him in the first place. Until he displays his sweet side, sincerely complimenting her "patience, intelligence and insight". In the world of "Parks and Recreation", nice guys usually finish first.

• "Income tax is illegal!"
• "Are you broken?"
• "I made that man a dining room table in exchange for 60 feet of copper pipe and a half pig."
• Various succinct descriptions of Tammy One: "I don't even know her and she's my hero." "Tammy One is my blond chicken." "She's the cold distant mother I never had. I love her."
• "Your mom sounds kick-ass."
• "Lastly, I hate the name Angelo. I'm gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is Jello Shot."
• "I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here."
• "I hope the rest of your day is cool beans."
• That face slap was pretty hard-core.
• "In a sense, yes. But in another truer sense, no, it is not."
• Even just a glimpse of Megan Mulally as Tammy Two is a gift from heaven ("She can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word. And a jar of acid.")
• "Diabetes!"
  
• Paula Pell as Tammy Zero is coming back, right? Tell me she's coming back.

 

Consistency may be a hobgoblin in some areas, but for network television it is good to keep a healthy dose of it most of the time. Too many shows have veered off track, not just by disrupting the established "mythology" of the plotlines, but by having the characters launch into unmotivated and random actions seemingly at the whim of the writers' room.  Love it or hate it, "Community" has been fairly dependable when it comes to maintaining certain truths about the various people at Greendale.

Tonight's episode revisited three of those ongoing tropes: the on-again, off-again romantic tension between Jeff and Annie, Annie's tightly-wound competitiveness, and Brita's shrill social activism. All of these plots tied together quite cleverly, and they all had steady and increasingly funny escalations. Britta and Chang got to explore their conflicting pathologies in a safe environment (it's a toss-up which was funnier - her stuffing the "warning" into her mouth and then spitting it out or her insane mangled doll costume at the end). Gillian Jacobs is always good at making Britta completely annoying in a loveable kind of way, and Ken Jeong was used just enough (he's still better in very small doses). Annie found her "multi-cultural evil twin" Annie Kim, another buttoned-up grind who engages her in a Model United Nations battle to the death.  Alison Brie and the rest of the gang (along with lots of floating heads and some Georgian accents) excelled at the rapid-fire one-liners of this nerd face-off, which recalled the "Debate 109" episode from the first season.  It was surely not coincidental that that original episode also featured Jeff and Annie's first kiss.

Joel McHale's considerable acting chops were put to good use here in the tender and sweet scene where he opens up to the girl he reflexively calls "kiddo", explaining that he does this in order to distance himself from his true feelings. True, their moment of connection does end with a joke ("That felt gross.") but strangely; it didn't feel like a cheap undercutting of real emotion.  Just like the Spartacus-like confessions of passing gas, sometimes the lighter moments mean everything.

• No John Goodman or Michael K. Williams, but hey! Martin Starr!
• The incongruous use of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" was pretty sweet.
• Best throwaway gag – Troy switching Annie's soft drink cup.
• "Georgia (the COUNTRY) is much obliged."
• "China has money! Does anybody want some?"
• "You're as much a criminal as this idiot is a cop. none whatsoever."
• I could listen to the security guard's description of the parking arm for another hour.
• "You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away."
• United Nations: High minded rhetoric and empty gestures.

 

"Archer" closed out its three episode special mini-series with lots of rip-roaring action, a few moments that verged on genuinely poignant, and a slew of one-liners and references that came so thick and fast they threatened to overwhelm the plot development. I mean, what other 20 minutes of television would contain allusions to "Get Smart", a Morning Edition newscaster, the indie rock band Archer of Loaf, and more idioms than you could shake a stick at? Maybe "30 Rock" in its prime, but not much else.

Archer, Rip, Lana, Ray and Noah all managed to escape the prison, but not before Ray was gut shot and almost died, Noah accidentally stabbed Rip in the eye ("I am incredibly sorry."), Lana is shot in the leg, and Archer almost sabotages the entire escape to cheer on his team in the Intra-Mural Lacrosse Finals, en-route to the South Pacific Lacrosse Championships ("That's not a thing.") Still, Sterling did do it all without his mother's help or ransom money, which is a big first for him, outside of the Columbia House incident. And Archer and Lana come as close to declaring their love as they ever have, or ever will, most likely. Thankfully, she isn't above holding the threat of telling Malory about his stint as the pirate king over his head forever. Now, that's a love story for the ages.

• ISIS shenanigans: Cyril and Pam do the deed AGAIN (Make. It. Stop.). Cyril embezzles and then un-embezzles all of the ISIS money. Cheryl/Carol is excited about possibly burning the building to the ground on Sunday.
• OK, there seemed to be a possibility that Ray Gillette was ACTUALLY going to die, in which case I think I would have had a serious nervous breakdown.
  
• "This thing called My Boss Made Me Sleep At My Desk, so pajamas."
• "Don't talk like black people."
• "I just traveled 8,000 miles and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates trying to rescue a person who is now responsible for my getting crabs twice."
• There's really only so much you can do with crab puns.
• Cheryl/Carol was pretty hysterical tonight, with her casual racism ("Oh my god, be more Chinese-y"), exaggerated imitation of Malory and continued hatred of disabled people.
• Cyril's attempts at remembering his password: "Archersucks" "KillArcherdie."
• "What's that? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my plan working."
• Seriously - "Lakshmi Singhers vs. the Archers of Loafcrosse." That just makes me happy.
  

 

To mark the retirement of Andy Rooney from "60 Minutes" on Sunday at age 92, I'd like to get a few things off my chest.

You know what really gets me? Obsolete journalists who are proud not to know what e-books are, or the identity of any musician who became famous after 1972, yet who report on them anyway. (Rooney eulogized Kurt Cobain by saying he "must have been a talented person" but that "if he applied the same brain to his music that he applied to his drug-infested life, it's reasonable to think that his music may not have made much sense, either.")

You know what really gets me? Obsolete journalists who oppose the rights of gays and Native Americans. (In 1990, Rooney proclaimed that the causes of early death include "too much alcohol, too much food, drugs, homosexual unions and cigarettes." Two years later, he called it "silly" for tribes to complain about sports team names such as the Redskins and Indians.)

You know what really gets me? Obsolete journalists who whine about the touchstones of my culture because theirs were so much better.

Yes, it must have been so much better in a world where television and the Internet didn't exist, where minstrel shows seemed hysterical and you couldn't make your own ice.

Then again, I'm not the intended demographic for Andy Rooney appreciation. Maybe I'm wrong and Andy Rooney was a brilliant satirist, a tireless muckracker with an intolerance for injustice, a damn funny scalawag.

Maybe Andy Rooney was the best thing since sliced bread.

Sliced breadwas a step forward, wasn't it?

(Cue the stopwatch ticking sound.)

Andy Rooney's final "60 Minutes" airs Sunday, Oct. 2, at 7 p.m. ET/PT on CBS.

 

With "Days of our Lives" in the first week of its much-hyped reboot, word is spreading that local fave James Scott (EJ) is leaving the show when his contract expires, but MSN TV hears that news is premature.

Bing: More on "Days of Our Lives" | Watch full episodes and clips

Sources told Soap Opera Digest that James Scott didn't sign a new deal after contract negotiations hit a wall, and that means he'll be walking. MSN TV sources, however, reveal negotiations are still ongoing. That means it's all still up in the air.

Scott's possible exit isn't entirely out of left field. The Daytime Emmy nominee revealed back in December that he had an itch to make a serious move and warned he might even decide to quit acting all together. "I think I’m going to stay here for a little bit longer," Scott told TVGuide Canada. "We got the pickup and my contract is for a little longer. Then I’m going to wait to see what happens ... I certainly would enjoy the opportunity to work in other mediums like film and stage, but at this particular point I’m just waiting to see what happens. I’m not making any real commitments in terms of which direction I’ll follow -- or even one direction, because I’m not sure if I will continue to act, which is very likely.”

Since joining "Days of our Lives" in 2006, Scott has been locked in onscreen romantic entanglements and psychotic machinations with Alison Sweeney's Sami and Arianne Zucker's Nicole. While being a key component in the EJAMI/SAFE (EJ & Sami vs Sami & Rafe) love triangle, his nefarious character EJ, son of villainous Stefano, recently announced his run for mayor.

While many fans would be crushed by Scott's exit, the big "Days of our Lives" reboot puts the show in a unique position to roll with the news, should it come to that. "Days of our Lives" recently shook things up with a slew of returning and new characters, as well as changes to the writing and producing teams. In the wake of the final episode of "All My Children" on ABC, that much-hyped reboot launched Monday with a big event on the fancy new Horton Square set.

At the same time, with the soap genre on the decline, "Days" is using the re-launch to attract "soap orphans" whose shows have been or will be canceled. The new mini-site Days101.com serves as an immediate immersion into everything Salem, including family trees and features on the returning characters.

Scott's exit could fold into this season of change, if it comes to that, but it's likely "Days" would prefer to avoid going down that road. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: James Scott has released a statement about the exit rumor, and it's good news for fans: "It has always been my wish to continue working with 'Days of our Lives,' and in light of recent reassurances given, I am optimistic of my future here at 'Days.'"

 

"Days of our Lives" airs weekdays on NBC.