To absolutely nobody's surprise, Sterling Malory Archer is just as lousy at getting along with his pirate subjects as he is with his ISIS co-workers. He has pretty much been living it up on the island, using and abusing everyone in his path, as shown in what will be known fondly as the "WOOO!" montage. Despite the best efforts of new first mate Noah, a rebellion is quickly formed under the leadership of the most put-upon pirate, nicknamed Bucky for incredibly politically incorrect reasons. Thank goodness, Lana and Gillette are on the way to rescue him.

But does Sterling need (or want) to be rescued? His luck certainly seems to be holding up, as smartly dispatches the biggest and scariest pirate with his gun, dodges with harmless flash grenades (with several amusing callbacks to his tinnitus) and even manages to bond with his nemesis Rip (mostly over taunting budding anthropologist Noah). Even at the climax, in a prison cell with the captured Lana and Gillette, he somehow finds a way to be triumphant. Wooooo, indeed.

• The action back at the office was pretty slight, but we did get the cannot-be-unseen sight of a nude and flatulent Pam on Cyril's sofa.
• "You rent a boat, that money's gone. This way we can sell it when we're done."
• "Wasted! Exactly! Let's go be that."
• The montage of Archer's jerky antics was a comic highlight – a procession of selfish spotlight hogging at karaoke night, feast night and intramural lacrosse – ending with the lamest acts of piracy ever
• "I'm sorry, did you want to hear what I think or just what you want to hear? (He asked, pretty sarcastically)"
• I also never realized how much we rely on idioms (aka colloquial metaphors).
• "If the king loses to a challenger in one-on-one combat, he has to step down. Or just be dead."
• "Your three-fifths of an opinion is noted."
• Pirates eschew many things, including gender roles and labeling.
• In progress mutiny  > incipient mutiny > morale problem.
• "Go nuts, Sundance. It's empty."
• Oh Lana, you still fancy him. YUP.

 

After more than 40 years on ABC, "All My Children" will go dark tomorrow, Friday Sept. 23. Stories are wrapping up, family portraits are being snapped and it seems like everyone has made grand returns from the dead, thanks to Dr. David Hayward. As all these happy endings come together, however, J.R. is still caught in a downward spiral. His true love Babe didn't get saved and with portrayer Jacob Young moving to "The Bold and the Beautiful" instead of joining Pine Valley's online relaunch in 2012, J.R. is armed with a gun and a devious plan. Too bad he doesn’t know Uncle Stuart is alive!

 

Bing: More about Prospect Park and 'All My Children'

 

MSN TV got on set at to chat with the cast during their final days in Pine Valley. Goodbye Q&A's with Susan Lucci & Walt Willey, Alicia Minshew and Thorsten Kaye and Cameron Mathison & Rebecca Budig are already posted. Here's what Cady McClain (Dixie) and Jacob Young (J.R.) had to say about it all.  

Are you sad it's all coming to an end?  We'd love to hear your thoughts on MSN TV Facebook

MSN TV: We're coming up to the end. How do things feel onset?

 

Cady McClain: We've been having a lot fun. Some great work is going on, and at the same time, we're laughing a lot and enjoying each other's company.

 

Jacob Young: It's been so expected for so long now that people have dealt with it. At first it felt like a march -- a death march, not a parade -- but I think everyone's embraced it now and wants to deliver the same quality of work.

 

Do you feel the show is moving toward an ending that will satisfy fans?

McClain: I hope so. They tried to get some of the big history moments in there and make it special.

 

Young: They're definitely trying to embrace that. You know how fans are. Not everyone's going to be happy, but hopefully, most everyone will be satisfied.

 

Well, no one's going to be happy. Fans are so upset about the cancellation.

 

McClain: We have this strange future, possibly. Who knows? It's very dramatic. Right now, as a cast, we're treating this as the end, because we just don't know.

 

Young: It's definitely the end of an era on ABC television. It will be interesting to see what actually comes about and how "All My Children" can live on.

 

What do you think about the fact that fans are planning to boycott your replacement, "The Chew"?

 

Young: Nobody needs another talk show or another doctor show. Are we that naïve that we can't have intelligent programming that is story driven? That's what daytime was built around and I feel like I'm right with you, because I'm not going to be tuning in either.

 

McClain:  People have to follow their own heart. If it's a good show and they like it, they should watch it. If it's not a good show and they don't' like it, watch something else. That's what it comes down to. I can't tell people, what to do. It's up to them.

 

Young: Bring back Sally Jesse Rafael! That's all I'm asking.

 

How have you enjoyed being back together?

 

McClain: It's great.

 

Young: It's the worst. (Laughs) We have a great time working together. We love working together and always have great moments, daily, when we work together. Emotionally, we connect well. She's a real pleasure.

 

McClain: He's a nightmare. (Laughs)

 

Of all the returns, Cady's was one of the more substantial ones. We're getting a real sense of closure, aside from this J.R. business.

 

McClain: I think so. I hope so. My character is such a linchpin between Tad, J.R.  and the family elements. It's about bringing families back together and my character is a big part of that. You know, Mommy's gotta be around.

 

And Jacob, you're getting to go completely nutty in your final days in Pine Valley.

 

Young: It's funny. About two months ago, I was like, "Yeah, I’m going to take him dark." I wanted it to go there, but then the writing started dictating it, anyway. I was like, "Alright, I guess I was right on about it." There's only so much J.R. can take before he snaps and goes off the deep end.

 

What has been your favorite storyline or memory?

 

McClain: There are a lot. What's funny is, sometimes somebody will come up to you and say, "Do you remember when that happened?" And you go, "Oh my gosh, I completely forgot that happened! That was really funny." One of the ones that pops into my head is the Libidozone story, with Dr. David, which I thought was hilarious. Drinking the punch bowl. It was all so silly. I love that camp.

 

Young: I can barely remember last week. It's so many years of reading story. You leave work and it goes away till you see it air on television. It's hard, but the things that stick out the most are working with Alexa [Havens (Babe)], in the very beginning. That was the molding period of J.R. -- all the foundation building up who he is today.

 

Is there anything you wanted to see for the end of the show?

 

McClain: I think we need a big wedding, where everybody lines up like Mormons and gets married at the same time. Like five couples getting married.

 

Young: I'd like to see J.R. have some resolution. Either be dark or light. He's got to finally make that decision in life about who he's going to be. He's so conflicted all the time. I'd like to see him have some kind of resolve.

 

Do you guys have a message for fans?

Young: Read Cady McClain's blog.

 

McClain: Do everything that Young tells you. (Laughs) No! The most important thing to tell the fans is how much we appreciate their support, their passion and their belief in the show. Giving back to us that kind of enthusiasm at the end of the run is beautiful, touching.

 

Young: Yes, thank you for all the support. Just keep on hoping.  

The finale episodes of 'All My Children' airs tomorrow on ABC.

 

Sexy and funny don’t play well together. Ask any comedian who has ever played a strip club. Feeling one way usually prevents an audience from feeling the other.

A new crop of TV comedy goddesses is taking on this challenge and beating it with a riding crop. Sarah Silverman was the first, followed by Chelsea Handler and Aisha Tyler. But the hottest female comic ever to land a TV show has to be Whitney Cummings. Even on a fall TV landscape dotted with Playboy Bunnies, Charlie’s Angels and sexy stewardesses, Cummings stands out. (She premieres tonight in NBC’s ”Whitney.”) 

Bing: More about Whitney Cummings  | Watch clips and more

The former catalog model, 29, has an atypical fan appeal for a sitcom star -- one which a promo for her new show addresses directly. Cummings introduces herself, then asks the viewer to Google her.

“Nothing?” she asks. “No results found?” Later, she interrupts her train of thought to announce: “Did porn just come up?”

Actually, her top 10 Google results includes “The Whitney Cummings Picture Pages” (subhead: “High quality Whitney Cummings pictures featuring Victoria’s Secret, XOXO, and lingerie pictures”).  The site doesn’t deliver on its promise in the slightest way, but the point is that a search for Roseanne Barr does not produce anything similar.

In her standup act and on TV and radio interviews, Cummings is a ball of neurotic energy.

“You play it up like you’re not the super-hot chick you are,” Howard Stern told her during an interview yesterday. (Cummings placed second in a “funniest, hottest chick” contest Stern staged in 2008.)

But that’s in real life, not on her NBC show, which milks Whitney’s comeliness for all it's worth. She dresses as a sexy nurse in tonight’s episode. In next week’s, her character wears nothing but a crotch patch to simulate a shower quickie with her boyfriend. (Sorry, no photos of that yet!)

The only thing that’s not been so hot are the early reviews. Could it be that all this sexiness really is still comedy poison? Have we not progressed at all as a society?

If you’re a heterosexual man like me, you’ll watch and not care.

“Whitney” premieres Thursday, Sept. 22, at 9:30 p.m. ET/PT on NBC.

 

Both the strengths and weaknesses of "Sons of Anarchy" were on display tonight. There was some tired retreading of familiar beats, an enjoyable but disposable car/motorcycle chase sequence, and some puzzling new information about certain characters. However, it did all come together in a tense and intriguing climax, with clear battle lines being drawn within SAMCRO.

Starting off with the not-so-great stuff, we got more of Gemma rifling through Tara's office like she's starring in some community theater bedroom farce, and enlisting the increasingly sidelined Wayne Unser (conveniently hanging around the hospital chapel) as an ineffectual lookout.  Katy Segal always does a bang-up job, but this is Gemma at her most irritating – spouting her platitudes about "protecting our family" and going over (again) the saga of J.T. Teller with a healthy dose of self-pity. It becomes increasingly hard to take her seriously as being genuinely threatened when we do not know what secrets she is fighting so hard to conceal from her son.

Secrets also came to light about Juice, who is informed by Sheriff Roosevelt that the father he has never met is black. Bizarrely, this would (apparently) get him exiled from the Sons. Maybe I have missed some important information over the last three years, but this seemed to come completely out of left field. Certainly, the various clubs seem divided along race/ethnicity (Mexicans, African-American, etc.) but why is Puerto Rican just fine, while half black is verboten? Is this the reason for the rather clumsy insertion of Clay's racist remarks (directed at Roosevelt) in the last two episodes? This news, along with Kozik's former drug addiction, and Miles elevation to full SAMCRO member just in time for voting on the cartel business, seem more like narrative conveniences than actual character development.

Still, the interplay between the club members continues to deepen and get murkier and complicated. Bobby holds fast to his opposition, perhaps because he got a clearer picture of how much Clay's "you've got my word" means after the interaction with Charlie Horse. Opie comes around to support the drug muling, but only because he thinks he and Jax will be heading up the club in some dreamy future – a notion of which Jax pointedly does not disabuse him. And Clay chillingly threatens his old friend Piney for letting the cat out of the bag to Gemma.  The leadership of SAMCRO is acting out of blatant self-interest, while paying lip service to "the good of the club". It doesn't bode well for anybody.

• The whole truck-stealing sequence was pretty ridiculous, but I was appreciative of the diversion. And CCH Pounder was on hand to complete the cast reunion of "The Shield."
• "Luther! Vandross! Get inside!"
• Hey! Buckaroo Banzai directed this episode.
• Roosevelt and his wife are having fertility issues. How is this possibly going to be used to get him out of SAMCRO's way? Stay tuned.
• Who was the poor victim of  "slow death by flesh eating ants"? A leftover Russian?
• Frankly, knowing that Tara is being sought after by other hospitals makes it even more frustrating that she is going along with Jax and his "plan" to get them out of Charming.
• The "nays": Chibs, Piney, Juice, Bobby, Happy. That will make for an interesting alliance.

 

The “half a man” means something entirely different now that Ashton Kutcher treated last night’s eagerly awaited “Two and a Half Men” premiere like the locker room at Equinox.

Bing: More about "Two and a Half Men"  | Video: Watch clips and more

 

But it reminds me of a truth, a naked one: that male nudity is funny -- as long as there is a shocked foil to rebuff the buffery and pixelation or clever camera angles to hide the flesh-hued shorts.

As the great philosopher Elaine Benes once explained, the female body is art; the male body is just utility. And in ditching his stitching, Kutcher has joined this rich history of defrocked TV stars

Jerry Seinfeld, “Seinfeld,” 1997 episode: “The Apology”

Dating a nudist, Jerry decided to shed his own clothes-mindedness. (His private parts were strategically blocked by an unfolded New York Times.) This lasted until the nudist denounced male nudity as “bad naked” -- or at least Jerry’s particular brand of it.  

Neil Patrick Harris, “How I Met Your Mother,” 2008 episode: “The Naked Man”

Harris grew excited by the move pulled by Robin’s (Cobie Smulders) blind date, a man who successfully utilized shockingly quick nudity to elicit date sex. They dubbed this move “the naked man,” and Harris and Josh Radnor set about trying it themselves.

Rob Schneider, “The Sensitive Naked Man,” 1992 “Saturday Night Live” sketch
Like a nude Gabriel Byrne, all the future “Deuce Bigalow” wanted was to get to the bottom of what troubled the troubled. For some reason, however, these people all hid from their true feelings and only focused on the fact that he wasn’t wearing clothes.

Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake,  “D--- in a Box,” 2006 ”Saturday Night Live” sketch

R&B superstars The Lonely Island performed some unconventional rapping, and wrapping, in a digital short celebrating the special gifts Samberg and Timberlake made for their girlfriends. The beauty is how the actors went Zero Monty and yet still managed a suggestion that almost qualifies them for sexual offender status.

Ashton Kutcher, “Two and a Half Men,” 2011 episode: “Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt”

Among the many things Ashton Kutcher has that Charlie Sheen doesn’t is a better bod (also Demi Moore, his sanity, and a job). But thanks to his comic timing, his looks didn’t distract. The homoerotic hug Kutcher gave Jon Cryer’s character, just as his ex-wife and son entered the room, was last night’s funniest gag. 

 

After more than 40 years on ABC, "All My Children" is building to its big network finale on Friday Sept. 23. MSN TV got on set to chat with Rebecca Budig (Greenlee) and Cameron Mathison (Ryan) in Pine Valley to see how they were holding up during the final countdown.

Bing: Watch full episodes and clips of 'All My Children'

As of today, however, Mathison has signed on the proverbial dotted line, along with Lindsay Hartley (Cara). That makes them the first two locals with plans to make the move to the net, assuming their new bosses at Prospect Park can come to an agreement with AFTRA. No word yet on Budig. 

Bing: More about Prospect Park and 'All My Children'

 

MSN TV's goodbye chats with Susan Lucci (Erica Kane) & Walt Willey (Jackson) and Alicia Minshew (Kendall) & Thorsten Kaye (Zach) are already up, and there's still one more to come. In the meantime, thanks to a return from Josh Duhamel (Leo), Greenlee and Ryan may just get their happily ever after…

 

MSN TV: Some "AMC" fans were nervous that Josh Duhamel's return as Leo would be bad news for this couple. Instead, it seemed to bring Greenlee a sense of closure.

 

Budig: It took their relationship to another level, for sure.

 

Mathison: That's a good way to look at it. In life, we all have these clogs in the drain that we have to get through in order to move on. Greenlee has a connection with her true love Leo, so Ryan has some soul searching to do with Gillian. Ryan and Gillian have been through so much. The way I saw us wrapping up things here is: What's it going to take to get Ryan and Greenlee truly solid? I'm hoping we can get there.

 

So you're both looking for the happy ending?

 

Budig: I think so.

 

Mathison: As long as it makes sense and is character driven. They're making an effort to make that the case.

What is the vibe onset during these final days?

 

Budig: I just got a script yesterday with Kendall, and that's when it hit me: Those were our last scenes together, as friends. And we had a love scenes the other day, and I was like, "Oh my gosh, this is our last love scene!" It's weird. I've kissed this guy for how many years?

 

Mathison: Many.

 

Budig: It's bizarre. I know the scent of his skin.                       

 

Mathison: We’ve known each other longer than I've known my wife. They say, "Jobs come and go," but it's a different level when you connect emotionally. Onset, we're connecting in that way, but also off set, we spend an enormous amount of time together -- more time than we spend with our family, for periods of time. Because of that, it's a big deal to say goodbye. It doesn't have to be for everybody, but for both of us, it is.

 

With the contracting confusion surrounding "All My Children" and it's move to the internet, have you guys returned to the audition circuit?

 

Budig: Oh yeah, I'm out there...

 

Mathison: Yes, I'm starring in my own primetime series. I mean, I haven't actually shot it or booked it yet…

 

Budig: Yeah, we're both starring.

 

Mathison: We've got our own series coming out.

 

That would be nice! Do you have your eye on shifting genres or staying in daytime?

 

Budig: Listen, I'm not delusional. I don't think I'm going to be the next movie star, but I love primetime television, comedies -- I just love acting, and I'm excited to be a part of something different, whatever that is.

 

Mathison: Me too. It's exciting to be going out, in this point of our careers, putting it all out there and seeing what doors are opening next. I love half-hour comedy and things like that, but who knows? I've always been a big believer in putting the effort out there, see what doors open and follow those leads and see where that takes you. We both have things that are brewing. Who knows if they'll work out or if they won't?

 

Rebecca, how does it feel to have returned to the show just in time to enmeshed in story and then be a part of the final days?

 

Budig: I am happy to be here for the ending. It's a very momentous occasion. The show's been on TV for so long, and most series don't last a season. My goodness.

 

Mathison: Who would I have wrapped up with here, on "All My Children," if you hadn't come back?

 

Budig: Jesse.

 

Mathison: That's weird.

 

Budig: You woulda been a cop.

 

Mathison: That's also strange. Not what I envision, so I'm happy you came back.

 

Budig: As for a female? Opal?

 

Mathison: It wasn’t a real question! But I love Opal as an answer. My favorite onscreen kiss, and I think you understand. It was spectacular.

 

I'll take your lead and ask: What were your favorite storylines?

 

Budig: I loved when I came to the show and was obsessed with Ryan and my friendship with Leo turned into a love affair. I also loved when I was with Alicia [Minshew (Kendall)] and Cameron in a love triangle, because that was hilarious and much fun.

 

Mathison: My two favorite times on the show were very similar. When I first came on, I had a great storyline with this princess, I thought, who had a lot of money [Gilian]. I pretended I had money, and we got married for all the wrong reasons. We were both broke and fell in love. Then, when I came back to the show, we had the Kendall/Greenlee/Rya​n triangle. Literally, months and months into years, it was just the three of us working together and having a blast.

 

Budig: Laughing, a lot.

 

Mathison: And setting roots for strong friendships.

 

Before the show goes dark, do you have any message to fans?

Budig: How do you say thank you? The deepest, deepest gratitude for sticking by us all these years. They're the most loyal fans. Wherever we go, they support and follow us. They're amazing.

 

Mathison: They are directly responsible – directly! If they weren't there for us, we wouldn't have this job; and if we didn't have this job, we wouldn’t have had so many moments of happiness, so many friendships and connections. How do you say thank you to that? It goes to their passion and what they deserve that the show is going to live on. Hopefully, it will be with the same cast. Who knows? But either way, I hope it's something they get to enjoy.

 

"All My Children" airs weekdays on ABC through Sept. 23.

 

 

Tonight, after much tabloid trash talk and media angst, Ashton Kutcher finally joins the cast of the CBS smash "Two And A Half Men" -- taking the place of the show's former star, Charlie Sheen.