An alternative Oscar-night viewing guide

Like Ben Affleck, we too were omitted from Best Director contention at this year's Oscars. Unlike Mr. Garner, we're not going to simply accept this injustice by showing up at the four-star gala to receive a presumed award for Best Picture. Oh no, not us. We've opted to rescind our invite to the 85th annual celebration (the one we assume got misdirected in the mail) and remain at home. In fact, we may even wait till after the broadcast and search who won what on the Internet.

Bing: The 2013 Oscars | "The Walking Dead"

Besides, it's not as if there isn't plenty of other standout programming to watch. So, if you'd like to join our silent protest, here are several perfectly viable primetime alternatives to Oscar-mania on Sunday night.

Hey, the Betty/"SNL"-retrospective combo worked against the Grammys. Don't fix what ain't broken.

Ya see, a guy's married to a woman, and he tells us in flashback how it happened. Only, people really enjoy the story, so he has to drag it out over 175-plus episodes. It's like "Princess Bride: The Director's Cut." So, who's in for a marathon?

Beats paying to see "Safe Haven" a second time.

Is it just us, or is it weird that "Enlightened" airs later than "Girls"? We know the latter confronts some heavier adult themes, but the former's basically bohemian-youth porn.

We're gonna need a bigger cocktail-shrimp boat. Because, ya know, we'll be eating lots of appetizers while watching "Jaws." Geesh, tough crowd.